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BORGS

As with most Trekkers and Trekkies, the alternate types of Borg have been popular with members of the Nitpickers Guild. I became acquainted with the phenomenon when Jason K. Adams of San Angelo, TX sent me a bunch. Those made it into the October 1994 newsletter and Borgs have been a regular feature of the newsletters ever since. Although most of these have already been seen in the newsletters, I thought it would be fun to get them all into one place, add a few more and see if the illustrious members of the Nitpickers Guild could come up with yet more!

Latest Borgs from the Guild

From the October 1994 Newsletter

I am Popeye of Borg. You will be askimilgrated. I am Elmer Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be aswimiwated.
I am Porky of Borg. You will be as-s-sim, as-s-sim, oh forget it.
I am Spot of Borg. You food and curtains will be assimilated.
I am Hugh of Borg. We want to assimilate Troi. Georgi is our friend. He can watch.
Yoda of Borg am I. Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, I will.
I am Sajak of Borg. R_sist_nc is futil_.
I am Madden of Borg. BOOM! WHAM! You're assimilated!
I am Trebek of Borg. For $200, it starts with "R" and is futile.
I am Barney of Borg. Being assimilated is fun.

Then there's the Borg products:
Borg spreadsheet program, Locutus 1-2-3.
BorgCola, not the choice of the Next Generation.
BorgerKing, We do it our way, your way is irrelevant.
Borg Sticker, Don't like our driving? Call 1 800 Irrelevant.
Borg T-shirt, I survived Borg assimilation and all I got was this stupid t-shirt.

From the December 1994 Newsletter

Scott McClenny of Newport, WA and Kailen Hong of Turtleford, Saskatchewan sent along some additional Borg personalities. My wife and I started talking about them on the way back from a book signing and added a few of our own.

I am Lassie of Borg. Woof-woof-woof woof woof-woof (Resistance is futile.)
I am Astro of Borg. Rou rill ree rarimirated.
I am Eastwood of Borg: Resistance makes my day.
I am Ali of Borg. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, assimilated too you soon shall be.
I am Pakled of Borg: Uh-huh.
I am Baywatch of Borg. Prepare to be ah . . . stimulated. (Before you get upset with me, ladies, my wife came up with this one. I have been trying to talk her into the importance of doing a Nitpicker's Guide to Baywatch-given that I would have to watch the shows over and over. She's not buying it.)
We are the IRS of Borg. Death is irrelevant.
I am Skywalker of Borg. Darth is irrelevant.
I am Lorena Bobbett of Borg. Your life, as it has been, is over.
I am Berman of Borg. Your NexttGen, as it has been, is over
We are Gingritch and Dole of Borg. Your presidency, as it has been, is over. (Sorry, sorry. Really, no partisanship intended here. Just an observation, given the Fall 1994 election results here in the States.)

From the Spring-ish 1995 Newsletter

Mike Ballway of Evanston, IL; John Digianno of Hollywood, FL; Sarajane Hogben of Herts, England; Danielle Leach of Berkley, MI; David Lyons of Edwardsville, IL; Joshua Truax of Fridley, MN and Rod Tyrell of Victoria, Australia sent along these chuckles.

I am Tweety of Borg. I did! I did attimuwate a Puddy Tat!
The Borgles' (the Prefab 4 of 5) #1 Hit: We all sleep in a single subroutine.
I am KeBorgian of Borg. Life if futile. Death is irrelevant. You will be assisted.
I am Borg of Borg. Redundancy is irrelevant.
I am Rod Serling of Borg. Submitted for your irrelevant approval. Phil Farrand woke up one morning and found that all resistance was futile. He realized he had been mysteriously transported to . . . The Assimilation Zone.
I am Bush of Borg. Read my lips. No new assimilations.
I am Elvis of Borg. Death is irrelevant.
I am Connery of Borg. James Borg.
I am Yogi Berra of Borg. Resistance will be assimilated.
I am UPN of Borg. Prepare to be affilliated. (UPN is the Paramount network that shows ST: Voyager. Since it is a separate network, some viewers here in the States must endure DS9 and Voyager playing opposite each other on the same night!)

From the Fall-ish 1995 Newsletter

Daniel Case of Clarence, NY; John S. Digianno of E. Elmhurst, NY; Regina Garbe of Hameln, Germany and Frank Raffaele of Brooklyn, NY sent these my way.

I am Ebola of Borg: Vaccines are irrelevant. We are resistant. Prepare to be infected.
I am Wimpy of Borg: I will gladly assimilate you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
I am Stallone of Borg: Resistance is the disease. I am the cure.
I am Bjorn of Borg: Your serve will be returned. You will be humiliated. Advancement is futile.
I am McCoy of Borg: He's assimilated, Jim!

More Borgs (10/18/95)

Daniel C. Clark of Stansbury, UT

I am Kennedy of Borg:Ask not what your collective can do for you, but what you can do for your collective
I am Roosevelt of Borg:The only thing we have to assimilate is assimilation itself!

Jesse Sanchez of Cornado, CA

I am Homer of Borg. Resistence is .... Ooooh, DO-NUTS.
I am Pentium of Borg. Resistence is Futile. You will be approximated along. We have approximated 5/3 of the universe. The universe will be fully approximate Feb 30, 1995 or 5 months and 50 days.

Bob & Lynn Walbeck, Marshall, MI

I am Troi of Borg. How do you feel about being assimilated?

More Borgs (12/14/95)

David L. Tayman of Springfield, MO

I am Mick Jagger of Borg: *Satisfaction* is irrelavent.

Michael Ballway of Evanston, IL

We are Data of Borg, Inquiry: Assimilation?
We are Scotty of Borg: I'll have it assimilated in four seconds, captain, you know I jus' canna change the laws o' physics!
We are Microsoft Of Borg: Competition is irrelevant. You will be compatible soon.
We are NASA of Borg: We'll have to cut primary assimilation programs to fit all of our sleep subroutines within budget.
We are Worf of Borg: Assimilation is WITHOUT honor!!

Matt Cotnoir of Coventry, RI

I am Walter Cronkite of Borg. Resistance is futile. And that's the way it is.
I am Rain Man of Borg. Resistance is futile, definately futile, definately.

Peter Gulka of Edmonton, Alberta

I am Montgomery Burns of Borg: Simpson, eh? Assimilate him!
I am Avery Brooks of borg: Good acting is futile. (Disclaimer from Phil: The opinions expressed by members of the guild are not necessarily those of the Chief. Wink, wink.)
I am Farrand of Borg. Editing is futile. You will be nitpicked.
I am Spam of Borg. Meat is irrelevant. You will be simulated.

Anon

I am Quebec of Borg. Confederation is irrelevant. Assimilation is futile.
I am Letterman of Borg. Top reason not to resist assimilation: it is futile.

OR....

Top 10 Reasons Not To Resist Assimilation:

10. You get a nifty, "We got assimilated by the Borg" T-shirt
9. Borg get huge frequent flyer miles since every time one Borg flies somewhere, they _all_ fly there. (The collective thing, you see.)
8. The Collective can really take advantage of all you can eat salad bars.
7. Get to see the Universe and wear cool cybernetic stuff.
6. Get to run around other peoples' worlds and not have to worry about breaking anything.
5. Entitled to run around yelling 'Resistance is Futile' and 'You will be assimilated' whenever you want.
4. Individuality is overrated anyway.
3. Get to drive cool cube-shaped spaceship.
2. Collective intelligence means you never have to worry about a library book you wanted being checked out.
1. One word: Futile.

Evan Kirby of Kenner, LA

Drunken Borg: Resilience is floor tile. Wanna be simulated?

Aric S. Campling of Haddenfield, NJ

I am Coffee of Borg. Prepare to be decaffeinated. Percolation is futile.
I am Gump of Borg. Life is like an assimilation. Resistance is as resistance does.
I am Hooked-on-Phonics of Borg. Pripear tO Be AsIMAlatiD: RisIStins is fYootil
I am Keanu of Borg. You're about to be assimilated. What do you do? What do you do?

Stephen Dickson of Groton, CT

(Excuse this, I'm a Taco Bell employee) Taco Borg Borger Lights: All the irrelevance, half the assimilated fat.

More Borgs (1/17/96)

Matt Cotnoir of Coventry, RI

I am Rain Man of Borg. Resistance is futile, definately futile, definately.

Geoff Hooker

I am Clinton of Borg. After you are assimilated, I will feel your pain.

Rob Sayer

We are AT&T of Borg. Prepare to be "Reached out and touched."

Mike Ballway of Evanston, IL

We are Northwestern of Borg: Ohio's season, as you know it, is over.
-or-
Resistance is futile. Your offense will be blockaded. Rankings are irrelevant. The game, as you know it, is over.
We are Politicians of Borg. Reality is irrelevant. Incorrect facts will be assimilated. Telling the truth is futile.
We are taxes of Borg. Everything is futile. Deductables are irrelevant. Your checking balance, as you know it, is over.
We are the Chicago Borgs: Your All-Stars are irrelevant. Defense is futile. You will be decimated. Your season, as you know it, is over.

Anita Badger

I'm Holiday Barbie of Borg; would-be collectors will be assimilated.
I'm Barbie of Borg; Ken's accessories will be assimilated. (This one comes from an old Barbie joke; Have you heard of the new Divorce Barbie? She comes with all of Ken's accessories.)

Norwyn Schultze of North Cobalt, Ontario

I'm Vader of Borg. You don't know the power of assimilation!!
I'm Church Lady of Borg. Resistance is.....let's see now.....I wonder.....whatever could it be? Hmmm.....could it possibly be.....FUTILE?!?

Andy Dickson of Groton, CT

I am Special Offer of Borg. Assimilations for a limited time only.

Geoff Hooker

I am Uhura of Borg. Assimilating frequencies open, Captain.
Darmok at El-Adrel. The Collective at El-Adrel. Darmok in the Collective. Darmok of Borg.
I am Urkel of Borg. Your cities were destroyed? Did I do that?
I am Shakespeare of Borg: To be or not to be assimilated; That is a silly question. To resist all our attempts at this would be futile: Your people shall service our race, the Borg.
I am Tim Allen of Borg. After assimilation, look at all the neat tools you get.
I am Borg--Warner. Your spark plugs will be assimilated.
I am (Cliff) Clavin of Borg. It's a little-known fact that not everybody gets assimilated the same way.
I am Lombardi of Borg. Assimilation isn't everything, it's the only thing.
I am Smurf of Borg. Resistance is Smurfy. Death is smurfy. Your smurfs will smurf the Borg.
I am Harry Caray of Borg. It might be--It could be--it is! assimilation. Holy cow!
I am Yogi Berra of Borg. You're assimilated when you get assimilated. Ninety percent of assimilation is half-mental.
I am Ed McMahon of Borg. If you return the winning number in time, we will annonunce on stardate 49047 that PHIL FARRAND HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED!

(Author Unknown)

I am Oprah of Borg. Today, We focus on assimlating, And the Futile races who try to stop us.

John Latchem

The name's Borg, James Borg. I'd like a martini. Assimilated, not stirred.

Dan Case

I am Lake Effect of Borg. You will be accumulated. Shoveling is futile. (Ask anyone else from the Great Lakes area about this one).
I am General William Tecumseh Sherman of Borg. You will be incinerated. Resistance is futile. (a note to non-American readers, or those unfamiliar with the Civil War, might be helpful).

Alfredo Ruanova

I am Shatner of Borg. Resistance!... is!... Futile!....You!... will-be!...assimilated!

Ted Sheridan of San Francisco, CA

I am Chekov of Borg: you vill be asseemilated. Reesiztance eez futile.

Johnson Lai

Listen up! I am McQueen of Borg. You are going to be assimilated. It's going to be a real knife fight so it's okay to be scared! (NOTE: McQueen is the squadron commander on "Space: Above and Beyond.")

(Anonymous)

I am Milo (Catch-22) of Borg. What is assimilation going for these days?

Even More Borgs (4/3/96)

Tony Trimboli of Mesa Arizona

I am Barry Switzer of Borg - We assimilated you baby, We assimilated you baby !!!
I am Marv Albert of Borg - You've been assimilated from WAY DOWNTOWN. YESSSS!!!
I am Rodman of Borg - You will be assimilated and your hair died purple, yellow, green, red???
I am Buddy Ryan of Borg - You've got an assimilator in town!
I am Kevin Johnson of Borg - I'll assimilate you as soon as my hamstring heals.
I am Deion Sanders of Borg - You'll be assimilated in Prime Time.
I am Wilt Chamberlain of Borg - You are the 20,000th woman I've assimilated.
I am George Steinbrenner of Borg - You've been assimilated, now you're fired.
I am Art Modell of Borg - You will be assimilated in Cleveland, no wait how about Baltimore?

Jenifer Gordon

I am Robert Allen (AT&T Chairman) of Borg. Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. Now, prepare to be fired. Unemployment benefits are irrelevant.

Dave Tayman

I am Arthur Dent(The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy) of Borg: The Earth is irrelevent(considering that it will be destroyed on the worst Thursday there ever was!)

David D. Porter

I am Chico Carrasqual of Borg - Assimilation been berry, berry good to me.

Michael Farahbakhshian

I am Reverend Spooner of Borg. Fesistance is rutile.
We are the Mighty Morphin' Power Borg. It's Assimilation Time!
I am Ito of Borg. Prepare to be acquitted.

Daniel B. Case

I am mercantile capitalism of Borg. Resistance is feudal.

Benjamin Harrel

I am Dad of Borg, your going to be assimalated if you like it or not, young man!
I am Mister Rogers of Borg, won't you be assimilated?

OR . . .

Anita Badger

I am Mr. Rogers of Borg; can you spell "assimilation"?

Edward White

I am Photographer of Borg; "Say "Resistance is Futile!"
I'm Bob Saget of Borg on Borg's Funniest Home Assimilations.
I'm Principle of Borg. Cheating is futile. You will be in Detention.
I'm lawyer of Borg. You will be subpoenaed. Resisistance is Contempt of Court & fee's are relavent.

Sam Axon of Springfield MO

I am Riker of Borg. Assimilation is irrelevant.
I am Barney, of Borg, I am you, you are me, we're one happy collective . . .
I am Picard of Borg. Assimilation is number one.
I am Quark of Borg! You know, there may be some profit in assimilation.

Benjamin Avner

I am Rocky of Borg. You will, you know, be kinda, assimilated. Resistace is a little futile, you know what I mean?
I am Douglas Adams of Borg. You will be assimilated; share and enjoy.
We are Muhammed Ali of Borg. We must be the greatest!
I am Geordi of Borg. Open main colective thrust cohesion alligners.
I am Tasha of Borg. Death is irrelevant!

Ted Trainor of Boston, MA

Um...I am uhm, Barclay of um...Borg. y-YOU will um, be ahm, assimilated?...Uh, yeah. And, um, resistance is, em...futile (makes fastest possible excuse to leave and go to the Borg Holodeck so he can pretend to be Borg- King Of The Universe!)

Dr. Seuss of Borg:
I am Borg called number Eight
Would you please assimilate?
Would you like it on the bridge?
Would you like it in a fridge?
Would you, could you out in space?
With an air-mask on your face?
Resist, resist but just then I'll
Remind you it is all futile.
Move your ship like a big flying elephant,
I'll just say that escape is irrelevant.

Even More Borgs (5/1/96)

David Tayman

I am Dr Zaius of Borg: Humans are irrelevant. Prepare to be disected. (Planet of the Apes)
I am Smeagul of Borg, Yessss! I will Assssssimilate my precious-es! Yesssss! (Lord of the Rings)
I am Jack Ryan of Borg:Terrorism is irrelevent. Prepare to be brought to justice. (Patriot Games)

Ted Sheridan of San Francisco, CA

I am Farrand of Borg. On page 247 of the NextGen guide, I mentioned that you will be assimilated. Ted Sheridan of San Francisco, CA informs me that I forgot to mention that resistance is futile. Thanks for the input!

Mark.Straszewski of Trenton, NJ

I am Binary of Borg. 10010110011101010010110. 100110101101011010111.

Adam Farlinger

I am Surgeon General of Borg. Assimilation can be hazardous to your health.
I am Janeway of Borg. Crying is futile. You will never make it home.
I am Chakotay of Borg. Doing things the Maquis way is futile. You will do things the Borg way. (see "Learning Curve")
I am Traveler of Borg. Assimilation will take you to a new plane of existence.
I am Q of Borg. (Snaps fingers) You're assimilated!
I am Bob Rae of Borg. Assimilation programs will be cut by 50%. (Bob Rae is the premier of Ontario).
I am Descartes of Borg. I think, therefore I assimilate.
I am Grammy of Borg. And the assimilation goes to...
I am Worf of Borg. It is not honorable, but it is my duty to assimilate you.
I am Kurn of Borg. You have dishonoured me. Please assimilate me.
I am Dax of Borg. I've been assimilated nine times already!
I am telemarketer of Borg. Are you interested in assimilation?
I am Vidiian of Borg. Your organs will be assimilated.
I am Crusher of Borg. These medical tests show that you've been assimilated!
I am Berman of Borg. I will try to keep the legacy of assimilation alive.
I am Scotty of Borg. Captain, I canna' assimilate!

Stephen Dickson

I am Professor Maximillian Arturo of Borg. Let us harken back to a response from our earlier days... Assimilate! Assimilate like h***!!!

Rob Nease

I am Chris Berman of Borg. Resistance is back-back-back-back-back-back-back -- gone!
I am Dick Vitale of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated, baby, with a capital A!
Here's Joe Cool of Borg, hanging around the galaxy waiting to assimilate someone . . .
This is Howard Cosell of the galaxy-shattering cyborg race known as the Borg, and we must tell you we have never seen a more pathetic lot of humanoids arrayed against our pusillanimous forces. Resistance is futile, and we are fully prepared to assimilate you, although for the life of me I cannot see any reason why we should.

Even More Borgs (7/7/96)

Brian Kelly of Kerhonkson, NY

I am Governor Gatling(from Benson) of Borg. You will be assimi-...y'know, this reminds me of a story.
I am Norm MacDonald(current SNL Weekend Update anchor) of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated (or so the Germans would have us believe) or . . .
I am Norm MacDonald of Borg. Resistance is futile. (Holds up a handful of money). Don't I know it?!
I am David Spade of Borg. You probably remember us from when we were called V'Ger.

Matt Cotnoir of Coventry, RI

Delta Collective: We love to assimilate, and it shows.
Trans Universe Collective (TUC): The most comfortable way to assimilate.
British Collective: The Universe's favourite collective.
ValuCollective: Assimilation mission at half off!? Sign me up!
The Borg's Guide to the Galaxy: How to assimilate on 30 Altarian dollars a day (With apologies to Douglas Adams).

Alex Hemmer

I am Spock of Borg. Living long is irrelevant. Prospering is irrelevant.
I am Picard of Borg. Make it futile.

Sam Axon of Springfield MO

I am Teacher of Borg. Resistance is futile, you will be educated!

Frank Kennedy

We are John Cleese of Borg. ...And now for something completely irrelevent: Resistance. Spam is futile. ...And now it's time for the penguin on top of your television set to be assimilated.

Jason Tamez, These are all the Borg taglines I have found or written:

FOUND:
100 Tennis is irrelevant. - Bjorn Borg
And the only thing the Borg left was this Amiga ...
Evidence of evil Borg plot: MSDOS 6.0
I am Beldar of Borg. We will assimilate mass quantities.
I am Dangerfield of Borg. Respect is irrelevant.
I am Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated dahling.
"Lubricant. Pennzoil. Steaming hot." Locutus of Borg
Phase 1 of the Borg conquest: Introduce the GST.
Rush LimBORG - all other opinions are irrelevant.
The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. "Borg borg borg!"
My Borg is back, and there's gonna be trouble. Hey la...
The Last Borg Scout - Starring Patrick Stewart as Locutus
Bush Borg, The economy is irrelevant.
BORG! UHH! GOOD GOD! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
I am neither human nor Borg. I am Hugh-Man!
Borganist: music maker at Borg baseball games
My other computer is a Borg.
Distance is irrelevant, Pythagoras of Borg
The Borg - plastic surgery taken too far.
McBorg's . Over 50 million assimilated.
Borg Mail Reader v2.1a . Tagline theft is futile.
Yoooouuuuu'rreee Irrelevant! Daffy Duck of Borg
I am Jordan of Borg. Gravity is irrelevant.
Clinton Borg, Inhaling is irrelevant.
The Borg: Calm, Cool and Collective...
I am Descartes of Borg: I assimilate, therefore I am.
We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
Running is irrelevant. Border is irrelevant. Taco Borg
Borg Wave v. 2.21: Your taglines have been assimilated.
I am Bugs Bunny of Borg. What's up, Collective?
Cowabunga is irrelevant. Teenage Mutant Ninja Borg

SOME I WROTE:
Luke, I assimilated your father . Darth Vader of Borg
Gypsie Borg: You'll soon be assimilated by a tall dark stranger
Bart Borg writes on the board-"I will not assimilate my class"
Borg children's programming: Mr. Roger's Collective
Fox Mulder to Borg: "You can't assimilate the Truth!!"
Jack Nicholson-A Few Good Borg-YOU CAN'T ASSIMILATE THE TRUTH!!
I'm not bad, I'm just assimilated that way-Jessica Rabbit Borg
Sanctuary is irrelevant . Hunch-Borg of Notre Dame
Torgo of Borg? Nope- Even the Borg are afraid of him! (This is a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 reference, too!)

Kevin Weiler

I am Woody(Cheers) of Borg:How's assimilation treating you Mr.Peterson?
I am Connery of Borg:Welcome to the Rock!
I am Quark of Borg: Assimilation will cost you 5 bars of gold pressed latinum!
I am the Count of Borg: 1 assimilation, ha ha ha, 2 assimilations, ha ha ha, 3 assimilations, ha ha ha...
I am Travolta of Borg: My assimilating days aren't over yet!

Even More Borgs (8/28/96)

Jason Tamez, Here's another Borg taglines and a related one that I have found:

Cowabunga is irrelevant . Teenage Mutant Ninja Borg
"Engage the croaking device." Teenage Mutant Ninja Romulans

Kevin Weiler

I am Dinero of Borg: You assimilatin' to me? I said, you assimilatin' to me?

Sue Medina

I am O.J. of Borg. Prepare to be astounded. Conviction is futile.

Daniel B. Case

I am Gil-Scott Heron of Borg. The assimilation will not be televised.
I am Ferengi of Borg. Rule of Assimilation #1: Resistance is futile.
I am the Walrus of Borg. I am he as you are me as you are he and we are all assimilated. Goo goo g'joob. (With a nod to the 60s)

Javier Redal

Patrick Stewart of Borg: "To, be, or no to be? That is irrelevant, Number One"

Beth Harrison of Wake Forest, N.C

I am Morris (the cat) of Borg: humans are irrelevant. Resistance is feline. Nine-Lives will be assimilated.(mmmm chomp chomp).
I am Charley of Tuna: Borg-Kist! Please! Assimilate me!!! (Sorry, Charley. You're irrelevant. And futile.)

Jeff Burns of Overland Park, KS

I am Borg Dole--"Borg Dole likes assimilation!"

Murray J.D. Leeder

(Simpsons Borgs):

I am Captain McAllister of Borg. Har! 'Tis a fine and space-worthy cube.
I am Troy McClure of Borg. You may remember me from such films as Assimilation Day, and Honey, I Assimilated The Kids.
I am Bart of Borg. Assimilation sucks!
I am Snake of Borg. Oh no! He put us to sleep!
We are Patty and Selma of Borg. After we're assimilated, can we still smoke?
I am Lionel Hutts of Borg. I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but there's no law against assimilation.
I am Rev. Lovejoy of Borg. The Book of Borg says: Resist not, lest ye be assimilated!
I am Grandpa Simpson of Borg. These new-fangled Borgs are nothing more than a waffle iron attached to a Lincoln stove!

(Basic Borgs)

I am Psychic of Borg. You will be assimilated.
I am Michael Jackson of Borg. Now that I'm assimilated, I'm finally white!

Sam Dorman of Minneapolis, MN

I am Martin Short of Borg. You will be assimilated, I must say!

Matt Nelson

Jim Carrey of Borg: "Allllllllll righty then! Prepare to be assimilated!" (Matt: THAT is one guy I wouldn't miss if the Borg came.)

Matt Dameron of Wichita, KS

I am Lwaxana Troi of Borg. Oh, Jean-Luc, what futile thoughts...
I am Kolrami of Borg (Peak Performance). I am a third-level grandmaster of assimilation.
I am Quinn Mallory of Borg. What if there were other assimilations? My collective and I found the gateway.
I am Chakotay of Borg. Tattoos are irrelevant. Your spirit guide will be assimilated as well.
We are GE of Borg. Warranties are irrelevant. You will be assimilated, but your bionic implants will cease functioning.
I am Roget of Borg. Resistance is futile/useless/inconsequential. You will be assimilated/incorporated/joined.
I am Tuvix of Borg. Assimilation is logical. Isn't that exciting?
I am Rex (Dixon Hill's bartender) of Borg. I guess last names are irrelevant. It seems I'm just...assimilated.
I am Taurik of Borg. Sir, do you realize that if we adjust this here, we could increase the efficiency of our assimilations by over 50%?

Even More Borgs (4/24/96)

Murray J.D. Leeder

I am James Brown of Borg. Ow! I've been assimilated.
I am Weird Al of Borg. You will be imitated.
I am the Boston Strangler of Borg. You will be asphyxiated. I am Lucien Bouchard of Borg. We want out of the Collective.

Mark Stein

We are the Borg of Tralfamadore (Slaughterhouse-Five). You always were assimilated, and you always will be assimilated.
I am Yossarian of Borg (Catch-22). There's only one way to keep from being assimilated: Let me assimilate you.
I am the Dungeon Master of Borg. Roll a twenty-sided die. You will be assimilated on a roll of one or greater.
We are NOT the Borg from Area 51. You will NOT be assimilated. If you do not withdraw your statement, we will have no choice but to assimilate you.
The Borg operate under the Short Circuit philosophy: Resistance is futile.
I am Borg Number Five. Wouldn't you like to be assimilated too...
I am Scully of Borg. Mulder, there is no such thing as aliens! They were all assimilated!

Murray Leeder

I am Cancerman of Borg. The truth is irrelevant. (alternatively) Assimilate Mulder and you risk turning one man's resistance into a crusade.
I am the Archbishop of Borg. You will be excommunicated.
I am Paul McCartney of Borg. No, I'm not assimilated!
I am Mizarian of Borg. You will be collaborated.
I am Bela Lugosi of Borg. To be assimilated, it must be glorious!
I am Ernest of Borg. Hey, Vern! Mind if I assimilate your dog?
I am Pyrokinetic of Borg. You will be incinerated.
I am Escher of Borg. You will be tesselated.
I am soft drink of Borg. You will be carbonated.
Borg Secretary: You will be collated.
Another Borgles song: Baby's in Bio-mech.

Harvey H. and Elizabeth Kitzman

I am Robin (from the 1960's Batman series) of Borg: Holy Assimilation, Batman! Resistance is futile!
I am John Sheridan (commander of Babylon 5) of Borg: You will be assimilated STRAIGHT TO H***!!!!!!!
I am DeLenn of Borg (Bab 5 character): You will be assimilated between the darkness and the light.
I am Hillary Clinton of Borg: It takes a collective to assimilate a child.
I am Dana Carvey (doing my impression of George Bush) of Borg: Resistance wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.
I am Lloyd Bentsen of Borg (speaking to Dan Quayle of Borg): I knew Locutus. Locutus was a friend of mine. You are no Locutus!!
I am Ross Perot of Borg: You see, resistance is like that crazy aunt you keep locked in the basement!
I am Bob Dole of Borg: I am Bob Dole of Borg. Bob Dole of Borg is who I am. Bob Dole says you will be assimilated. Assimilation was good for Bob Dole, so why not for everyone else? Bob Dole says resistance is futile. Bob Dole wonders why anyone would want to resist. Bob Dole, Bob Dole, Bob Dole...
I am Jack Kemp of Borg: You will be assimilated by the rich and then trickle down into the rest of the collective.
I am Dave Thomas (founder of Wendy's) of Borg: You will be assimilated on to my 99 cent value menu.
I am Ed McMahon of Borg: Heeere's Locutus!
I am Johnny Carson of Borg: Resistance is so futile...."HOW FUTILE IS IT?"
I am Ed McMahon of Borg: You are correct sir. HIOHHHHHHH!
I am Kelly Bundy of Borg: You will be assim...assim...What is that word? You know, the futile one.
I am Marvin the Martian of Borg: I am going to assimilate you. You obstruct my view of Venus.
We are the Beatles of Borg: We all live in a great big giant cube, a great big giant cube, a great big giant cube.
I am Seinfeld of Borg: So what is it about assimilation anyway that is so compelling? And why is resistance futile?

Murray J.D. Leeder

I am Wayne of Borg. You will be assimilated... oh yes... you will be assimilated!
I am the March Hare of Borg. Sometimes, I try to think of three irrelevant things before breakfast.
I am Ted Danson of Borg. Hairpieces are irrelevant.
I am O.J. of Borg. Oh no! My arm attachment won't fit on
! I am Ed Wood of Borg. Competency is irrelevant! This is Hollywood!
Chuck Borgy's greatest hits: Johnny B. Assimilated, I Gotta Assimilated My Baby, and Roll Over Locutus.
Borge Harrison's greatest (unreleased) song: Circuits.
One more Borgles song: Come Together (is that obvious or what?).
I am Chandler (Friends) of Borg. Could he be more assimilated?!

Jim Cadwell of Minneapolis, MN

We are Gleason of Borg: One of these days. . . One of these days. . . POW! You're assimilated!
Hi, We're Forrest, Forrest Borg. Our momma always said, "Life is like an assimilation: We never know what kind of prosthetic eye we're gonna get." Then she said, "Futility is as resistence does." When JenBorg came back to live with me, we was like resistence and futility again. Got to find BuBorg! I was wounded directly in the Borgtocks. Leutenant Borg! New Borglegs! Look, JenBorg, new Borglegs!

From An Unidentified Contributor

We are Bored. You will be Assimilated. Unless there's something good on Oprah.

Robert Beeler of Knoxville, TN

We are Coffee of Borg. Sleep is irrelevant.
We are college of Borg. Your life, as it has been, is now over... (I am currently enroled in college and am amazed at the time and devotion it takes. )

Daniel Case

I am the Borg of Zoning Appeals. Variance is futile

> I am grammar of Borg. I will be assimilated. You will be assimilated. He, she, it will be assimilated. We will be assimilated. You will be assimilated. They will be assimilated.

yes because he never did a thing like that as he told me resistance is futile you will be assimilated yes I said yes I will yes Im Molly Bloom of Borg and he took the long black tube from his mouth and put it into mine yes shall I tell him his wife has been assimilated yes and quite well assimilated yes resistance is futile I said yes (That last one is for the Joyceans out there).

Ron Ruley

I am Doc Brown of Borg (Back to the future). You will be assimilated. Great Scott!

Johanna Sundberg

I am the Nagus of Borg. Depreciation is futile. All acquisitions will be assimil-ated.
I am Xerox of Borg. All assimilation will be duplicated.
I am Macbeth of Borg. Is this resistance I see before me?

Murray Leeder

I am V-Chip of Borg. You will be ___imilated.

David Glover

I am Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.

Stuart Sant

I am the wicked witch of the west of Borg, I'll assimilate you my pretty!
I am Sandra Bullock of borg, surfing is irrelevent, the internet is irrelevent, you will be assimilated!

Chris Piepers

I am Huey of Borg: You,
I am Duey of Borg: will be
I am Luey of Borg: assimilated
I am Remi of Borg: When we assimilated everyone, we will be alone again . .
I am Murphy of Borg: Assimilation happens when you least expect it!
I am Einstein of Borg: "A" equals "R" times "F" squared. Murphy Brown adressing the Borg: assimilate me! ASSIMILATE ME! Just you wait 'till I get my hands on you!! I'll resist! Even into futliliness!!!

Daniel Case: I thought these two famous Usenet loons deserved a "Borg" or two of their own (trust me, any Usenet regular from a couple of years back will appreciate these!)

In article UiGbFTM*076@borg.com, Arromdian of Borg writes ...

>Borg did not assimilate Turks

See, you are a compulsive liar. The Borg assimilated 2.5 million Turkish Muslims in fascist x-Soviet Armenia, assisted by your criminal Armenian grandparents and the ASALA/SDPA/ARF Borg Collective [and so on for about 30K or so of fabricated quotes and invective]

"Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."-Locutus of Borg
"In Soviet Armenia today there exists not a single Turkish soul who has not been assimilated"-Ohanus Appressian of Borg

serax@zxuma.uucp

I am Robert McElwaine of Borg. Un-RESISTED ASSIMILATION of this IMPORTANT information is PERMITTED and ENCOURAGED. Resistance is FUTILE. YOU will be ASSIMILATED.

Bill Austin

I am Laugh-In of Borg. Resistance is very, very interesting, but stupid.

Brad Higgins

I am the Emergencey Medical Holographic Program of Borg. Medical emergencies are irrelevent. Your injuries will be assimilated.

Sam Axon

"I am USRobotics" (The most reliable and popular modem making company) "of Borg! Can an assimalation this simple to install and easy to use possibly have all the performance you have come to expect from the Borg? Absolutley!" (Look at the box to the new USRobotics Sportster 33.6 FaxModem!)

Wells P. Martin

I am Mork of Borg, Mindy is irrelavent.
I am Intolerant of Borg. Differences are irrelavent and will be assimilated.
I am Landru of Borg. Individuality is irrelevant. You will be absorbed and then assimilated.
I am Judge Ito of Borg. Your argument is Specious. You will be cited for contempt and then assimilated.
I am Deaf of Borg. Resistance is unheard of. You will be assimilated.
I am Ignorant of Borg. What does "Resistance is Futile" mean ?
I am Wood of Borg. Do you catch my drift?
I am Isolated of Borg - I would welcome assimilation.
I am PC of Borg, assimilation is irrelavent, I will be obsolete by the time it is done.
I am Capacitor of Borg, resistance is irrelavant.
I Am Limburger of Borg, holding your nose is futile.
I am LSI of Borg, discrete components are irrelavent.
I am Yogi of Borg and smarter than the average Borg as well.
I am Politician of Borg - Taking a position is irrelvent. I have been assimilated into the collective.
I am Star Trek of Borg. Resistance is futile. We are an American Icon.
I am Divorce Lawyer of Borg - your attempt at a peaceful settlement is futile. Prepare to be aggrevated.
I am Apollo of Borg. You seem wise for a woman.
I am Cretin of Borg - Uh, what was it I was supposed to say, Hugh?
I am Halitosis of Borg - clean air, as you have known it, has ended.
I am Banana of Borg - prepare to be peeled.
I am Charlie X of Borg - are you a...girl ??
I am Rosemary of Borg - have you seen my baby ?
I am Sick of Borg - how about some Cardassian jokes?
I am Spider of Borg - wanna step into my parlor?
I am Franchise of Borg - resistance is futile, I will live forever.
I am Windows '95 of Borg - want to watch me crash and besmirch your data?
I am Copy Protection of Borg - your rights to a backup are irrelavent
I am Virus of Borg - your hard drive, as you have known it, has been assimilated and then formatted
I am Programmer of Borg - you want it when ?!!
I am Vaal of Borg - how do you like them apples??
I am Bilbo of Borg - I got a brand new Baggins.
I am Ice of Borg - see my cubes ?
I am out of the breath of Borg
I am Expletive of Borg - but you will not hear me here.
I am Clearasil of Borg- skin peeling is irrelavent, your zits will be assimilated, popping will be futile.
I am Astute of Borg - fresh air as you have known it is over. Hold your nose.
I am Periodontist of Borg - and I have just won the Gummy Award.
I am Dermotologist of Borg - I am superfacial.
I am Modem of Borg - are you my DAD?
I am Dax of Borg - and I can spot you a mile away.

I am Insomnia of Borg - I created these things
I am Sue of Borg - Why did Hugh give me that name ?
I am Sandoval of Borg - join us, be as one of us, be assimilated.
I am Legion of Borg - also Trekkie of Borg
I am Leila of Borg - I have lost you, haven't I. Not only you. I have lost it myself. I am no longer assimilated
I saw a see of Borg - want to play ?
My name ? My name ....... Jose ...........Jimenez ....of Borg
I am Finney of Borg - why did you do that?!
I am McDonald of Borg - You Duckless?
I am Cloud William - Chief of Borg..also son of Chief
I am Finney of Borg - they told you to assimilate me, didn't they?!
I am Ambassador of Borg - negotiations are irrelavent, you will be assimilated.
I am Collector of Borg - I must assimilate EVERYTHING
I am Cream Cheese of Borg - I am on a collective roll
I am MTA of Borg - one more nickel or you will be assimilated and never leave the collective.
I am Ripley of Borg - assimilate this !!
I am Comedian of Borg - may the farce be with you!
I am Edith of Borg - You are uncomman workmen. That collective looks as though it had been scrubbed and polished!
I am Bela Oxmyx of Bprg - which one of you is the Captain?
I am Krako of Borg - head of the whole southside collective!
I am Horta of Borg - No Kill I
I am Wesley of Borg - I can get the Collective out of any jam.
I am Hengist of Borg - Kill, kill, kill all the Collective!
I am Schmitter of Borg - Burned to a crispy golden brown and layed out on a bed of crisp leafy lettuce next to a side of fries.
I am Shana of Borg - does my hair look green to you?
I am Tamoon of Borg - are you pleased to meet me?
I am Plasis of Borg - I will tolerate no more assimilation!
I am Cogley of Borg - You Kirk? I figured we would be spending some time together so I assimilated your apartment and moved in.
I am Losera of Borg - I am sorry to give you only a recorded welcome but by the time you reach this planet I will have been assimilated. Resistance is futile.
I am Cochrane of Borg - I don't know how, but the Companion assimilated me, rejuvenated me, made me young, like I am now.
I am Chappel of Borg - servant of the Bones of Borg
I am Kruschev of Borg - diplomacy is irrelavant, see my shoe? Listen to it!!
I am Balok of Borg - this is Tranya!
I am Einstein of Borg - assimilation is relative, resistance is unified.
I am Ayelborn of Borg - of coursr my friend, our collective is yours.
I am Miramani of Borg - I want to have your baby.
I am Toto of Borg - am I in Kansas?
I am Deela, Quuen of Borg - you are going to be our collective's King.
I am Locutus of Borg - I wasn't good enough! I wasn't strong enough. I was assimilated. I am Wimpy of Borg!
I am Guinness of Borg - I hold the record
I am Ruk ,,,,, More complex than Borg ...... Much ...... Superior.
I am Eternity of Borg .. resistance is futile. Time is irrelavent, you will be asswhenlerated.
I am Tic of Borg. Tac us right here with me in this little plastic container.
"Borgs!", cried the Queen, "If I had two I'd be King!!" I am Manager of Borg - stay within the lines. The lines are your Friends
I am Roger of Borg. Christine? I don't know no Christine. Who are you?
I am Pithy of Borg - shallow is unthinkable.
I am Ice of Berg = only 1/3 of me is visible ( correct amt. if rong )
I am Enough of Borg - Say "GOODNIGHT, PHIL. "GOODNIGHT, PHIL."
I am Politician of Borg - I lied.
I am Personal Agenda of Borg - you won't discover me until it's too late.
I am Insightful of Borg - the rest of the collective would do well to pay attention to my style and substance.
I am Just A Little Conceited of Borg - but who cares? It's funny to me!
I am Jack of Borg, Jill is coming up just behind me. She assimilated that other bucket of water.
I am Linus of Borg - have you ever tried assimilating your Blanket?
I am Charlie Brown Of Borg - someday I'm gonna ASSIMILATE that football!!
I am Snoopy of Borg - assimilation is a terrible thing
I am Frieda of Borg - I have naturally curly implants.
I am Pigpen of Borg - Look at this dust!! They haven't cleaned the hive in light years!!!
I am the little red-appendaged girl, have you seen Charlie anywhere?
I am Charles Schultz of Borg. I will assimilate you for copyright infringement!
As T'Er of the Ten Tribes I give you back your Borg, mine will now be assimilated.
I am Mistake of Borg - I was made last night when my vreator was overtired. He was a man overBorge.
I am Conglomerate of Borg - Assimilation is irrelavent. You will be re-sold when your bottom-line falters.

Rob Sayer

Taz of Borg: What for you assimilate me in the cold, cold space?
(The voicemail lady) For assimilation, please press one. For assimilation, please press two. To resist, please press zero now. (Presses zero) We're sorry, but resistance is futile.
I am Doctor Laura Sleschinger of Borg: He wants to assimilate you? Do you have a ring and a date?
We are Bob and Doug McKenzie of Borg: Prepare to be assimilated, hoser.
I am Casey Casem of Borg: And now, this assimilation goes out to a special little collective...

Loretta Clark

I am Vizzini of Borg. Resistence is inconceiveable!
I am Data of Borg. Resistence is futile, fruitless, abortive, useless, purposeless, etc.
I am Inigo Montoya of Borg! You resisted my collective! Prepare to be assimilated!

Jonnan West

This is Lwaxana Q of Borg - Your worst nightmares have been Assimilated

Wastl Sommer

This is search engine of Borg. Precision is futile. All 1701 items found are 0% relevant.

Marian and Michael Perera

I am Caesar of Borg. I came, I saw, I assimilated.
I am Winston Churchill of Borg. I have nothing to offer but assimilation....
I am Marie Antoinette of Borg. Let them eat cube!
I am Emily Dickinson of Borg. Because I could not stop for Borg - /They kindly stopped - for Me -

DS9 Borgs :

I am Jem'Hadar of Borg. Assimilation is life!
I am Morn of Borg.
I am Rom of Borg. Uhhh..you will be assimilated..brother.
I am Odo of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be arrested.
I am Kai Winn of Borg. It is the will of the Collective that you be assimilated.
I am Risean of Borg. All that is yours is ours. Your jamaharon will be assimilated too.

Daan Franke

I am the Mask of Borg, "Assimilatin'!"

Anonymous of Glens Falls, NY

I am Nostalgic Gamer of Borg. Commodore 64 is futile. You will be emulated.

Ed Runyon

I am Cool Hand Locutus, of Borg. What we have here is a failure to assimilate.

JoAnna Renae Walsvik

Here's one for all the Nitpickers in the eastern part of ND and the western part of MN. (Let's see...that would be me.) :)

I am Flood of Borg, Resistance (and sandbags) are futile. You will be flooded.

Murray Leeder

Did you hear that the Borg Queen got the top award in high school? Yeah, she was the head of her class.


If you would like to submit a new Borg for approval, drop me an e-mail at chief@nitcentral.com. Put "Borg" in the subject line and include your name and address as it appears in my database so I can find you. I cannot guarentee that all Borgs will be posted but all will be considered. (I expect to update this feature around once a month depending on the response. By the way, make sure you search the list before sending a Borg. I usually don't post duplicate. One last thing, Bevis and Butthead of Borg will not appear on this list.)