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Okay! After I finish this column today I have to read The Last Command--marking it up for nits as I go--for my work on the Star Wars Nitpicker's Guide. It's 467 pages! So, as always, I've got lots to do. First, some comments from previous columns . . .
Tom Elmore, Columbia SC: A thought I have had all weekend. Not all UPN stations carry just UPN programs. Some are UPN/WB others, like my station here showed the UPN only on the weekends. With UPN going to five nights a week this fall,and their policy that stations have to carry all UPN shows, some stations are going to have tough decisions to make. For those who are mainly a part of the big four, its a no brainer, they'll drop UPN if they don;t have enough room.
For those who are UPN/WB (or WB/UPN if you prefer) then they have to decide which way to go. If I was in such a spot and had to make a decision right now, I would probably choose WB. Not only are their ratings better, but they command most of the nation's teen auidience. More importantly, WB seems to be on the rise while UPN is stuck in neutral.
What all of this means is that by expanding their programming schedule, UPN could actually lose stations, markets and auidiences, which of course also means lower ratings and lower advertising revenue. Right now I am not convinced that UPN can afford to expand their programming, both finacially and creativly, especially with the risks of losing more stations. While it is quite possible that their new shows could be the next "Seinfield" or "X- Files", this decision seems to be consistent with my belief that UPN honchos seem to be dazed and confused as to what to do with their network.
On a side note. I also find it interesting that UPN is not programming weekends, since it was weekends that FOX first programmed, and look where it got them.
Matthias Roth: Here in Germany we get a stable Star Trek feed in free TV. Weekdays we get one hour of either TNG, DS9 (seasons 1-5) or currently season 1+2 of STV. STV had been a little bit neglected - season 3 starts this Friday but in prime time (20:15) as usual. Normally we are a year behind the U.S. with new episodes but the 6th season of DS9 will start already in May! Not to forget TOS which is running (forever) on Saturdays. And also the movies are aired on regular base (1-6, 7 aired first last December).
BUT we are of course suffering from the legendary translation... (Kirk in "The Doomsday Machine": "Make the viewscreen work! You know I am a big TV fan." - I hope at least it's a BSE...)
Phil: That's funny!! Kirk *really* says, "You know I am a big TV fan" in German?!
Chris Cook: Yeah, I'll be buying it.
I realise it's most likely not going to happen, but I'd like to see something on the plotettes in the X-Wing and TIE Fighter games. Having read nothing outside of the movie scripts, it still seems that they fit into the chronology somewhere (certainly with the movies) and you could probably find a nit in them somewhere. And, best of all, you'll be able to fly starfighters for a month and claim you're working!
I like 'The Nitpicker's Guide to the Strategic Defense Initiative', by the way, you should use it as a subtitle or something.
Phil: It's just a matter of time with the games. I'm doing my best to come in a head of schedule but *if* I come in ahead of schedule, I've got other Star Wars properties that might be more deserving of mention.
Nat Hefferman: Patrick Sweeney, in the 4/17 column, stated that he thought that the characters played by Lisa Kudrow on "Friends" (Phoebe) and "Mad About You" (Ursula) were unrelated. In fact, on the second season of "Friends", Joey and Chandler have dinner at Riff's (Paul and Jamie Buchman's hangout), and are waited on by Ursula, whom they mistake for Phoebe. Later in the epsode, it's established that Ursula and Phoebe are twins, who are not on speaking terms. Joey starts dating Ursula, and hilarity ensues, etc. etc...
In regard to "St. Elsewhere" crossovers; last season on "NewsRadio", an episode featuring dream sequences ended with a parody of the final episode on "St. Elsewhere", where station owner Jimmy James played the autistic son of Dave and Lisa. Jimmy James is played by actor Stephen Root, who played the Klingon captain in TNG episodes "Unification I" and "Unification II". See, everything eventually comes back around to Star Trek!
Murray Leeder: The Friends/Mad About You link is most certainly cement. Phoebe and Ursula (who has appeared on Friends on a few occasions) are identical twins. Furthermore, Jamie Buckman and Fran Deveneau of Mad About You once walked into Central Perk. I watch too much TV.
Tim Thompson: Somebody linked Mad About You with the X-Files through a string of associations. If that is the case, then the X-Files occurs in the same universe as "The Dick Van Dyke Show" because Allan Brady (i.e. Carl Reiner) from that show was featured on an episode of Mad About You.
Also, I remember an episode of "Night Court" where there were some people dressed up in Star Trek uniforms who were initially dismissed as lunatics, but then they contacted their ship and were "beamed up" in front of everyone, lending credence to the idea of those shows occurring in the same universe. This is especially disturbing, considering that John Larroquette was a Klingon officer in STIII:TSFS -- could it be, that he was surgically altered (like Darvin in "Trouble with Tribbles") then sent back in time to infiltrate the humans' system of government?
Andrew Corcoran: Yes, maybe I was a bit Scrooge-like in my comments about the television crossovers! Sorry about that.
Murray Leeder: I guess the most reasonable answer to this problem is to say that the Prophet's don't know what the orb of time does! It was just a complete fluke! (Forget Kira's lines in "Wrongs Darker than Yada Yada Yada.")
Andrew Corcoran: About this Orb of Time thing. Now, I don't want everyone else to venture in this part of the debate but how exactly can the creators create an alien race which works on the concept of non-linear time, and then show them in an episode? I mean, look at it this way: The Sisko enters the wormhole, with information for the aliens. The aliens drag him in and he tells them the information. The aliens, in their non-linear time, now know this over all time, so that means when Sisko enters they already know at that time. Yet, if he doesn't have to tell them, then they wouldn't find out, and they wouldn't know anyway! But if he didn't have to tell them because they knew already, how could they have known already if he didn't have to tell them at all, therefore never relaying the information....... headache time!!
Phil: It 'tis a problem! (And I think I mentioned it in the DS9 Guide! ;-)
Matthew Patterson: I have nothing to offer about the rank debate, but I do have one comment from Ron Moore about the whole Bajor/Federation thing. He said somewhere that they might just have Kira and Oodo in Starfleet uniforms in DS9's final episode to promote the feeling of "unity." (Or something like that. It's been a while since I saw the comment.)
Mike Konczewski: It seems that some of the ships in Starfleet are named after ships from the 20th century or earlier. The Enterprise was the name of several ships (as noted on a plaque in Star Trek: The Motion Picture), and the Odyssey is one of the space shuttles. I believe the Constitution, the Defiant, the Intrepid and the Excelsior were also the names of ships (perhaps someone can confirm this).
The original Enterprise's shuttles were named after astronomers; in addition to the Galileo, there was also the Copernicus.
The Anomaly: What's your take on Section 31, Phil? They seem to have stirred up a lot of controversy on the Net.
Phil: Well . . . we've only had one show with Section 31 so I'm inclined to wait until the creators give us more info! (I guess I'm too much in the X-File mindset. The truth is out there but it ain't necessarily what you from a wacko like that Section 31 guy--who might be eligible for a Section 8!)
Rene Charbonneau: There seems to be alot of controversy about Section 31 from the episode = "Inquisitions"...well, here's what Ron Moore has to say about it . . .
(Note from Phil: Since I'm not sure where this quote came from and Ron Moore certainly didn't send it straight to me, I will summarize the statements)
Mr. Moore states that he is glad to see that "Inquisition" has stirred things up a bit. He grants that the idea of a rogue element doing dark deeds out a chain of command is a provocative idea but reminds us that all we know came from the mouth of one character.
Andrew Corcoran: Now about the real Star Trek universe debate, I remember in one episode (the penultimate one of DS9's fifth season, "For The Cards," or something) Nog is talking to Jake about his lifestyle, and Jake responds by what seemed to be regurgitating information hammered into him throughout his life, something about finding true satisfaction and awareness by striving to do your job, without relying on money. Nog asks him if he really believes in that teaching, and after a pause, Jake looks at the floor and tells him something like "Nah." (It's been a while since I saw the episode) I guess it shows that all humans don't firmly believe in following the "perfect" universe set out for them in TNG!!
Andrew Corcoran: The problem about not being able to magnify planet surfaces (not forgetting the great magnification they can get when looking for ships in space) I think can be explained through one fact that always seems apparent when they visit a planet - Clouds get in the way!!
Matthias Roth: The only occasion I remember at the moment was in TNG:"The Survivors". But the magnification factor wasn't very high.
Scott McClenny: Concerning Torres' misprounciation,just because she has a Hispanic last name does not necessarily imply that she grew up speaking Spanish or that her father did either.It could be that English has been her family's first language for generations now and that she simply never bothered to learn much about her father's ethnic heritage.Also note that she grew up with her KLINGON mother so that could also explain why she had trouble pronouncing Camaro.
Robert J. Woolley: Q. How many Binars does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 10: One to change it, and one more for him to talk to. (This may require a moment's thought....)
Glenn St-Germain: Q. How many Romulans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 100 -- one to change the bulb, and the other 99 to blow up the ship in
shame.
Q. How many Ferengi?
A. Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to sell the bulb to the first.
Q. How many Tamarians?
A. "Temagra, when the darkness came!"
Q. How many Jem'Hadar?
A. It is the will of the Founders.
Tim Thompson: Here's a couple of jokes, although I'm afraid some people won't get them since even I had to look up the race names.
Q. How many Boraalans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. The Prime Directive states that Boraalans should not be exposed to this
advanced technology. The Prime Directive states that Boraalan culture
must be preserved from outside interference at all costs. The Prime
Directive states that all Boraalans must be executed immediately to
prevent any possible contamination of their rich, unique culture.
Q. How many Horta does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Apparently only one, as its subterranean lair seemed extraordinarily
well lit for a cave.
Q. How many Paxons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Who?
Matthias Roth: How many Hortas does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are eating uranium instead...
Glenn St-Germain: Q. How many Ramurans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I don't remember.
Phil: In case you don't get that last one, the Ramurans were the race from the recent Voyager episode" Unforgettable" (See! You've forgotten them already!)
Murray Leeder: If we're to believe that the Voyager crew can produce more shuttles, would it really hurt for the creators to provide us with at least one line of dialogue to support that conclusion?
Phil: It is a story telling issue, is it not?
Heather B. Smith: In response to Scott McClenny's question re the actor who played Maab in 'Friday's Child'. The role was played by Michael Dante.
Phil: Thanks to everyone else who sent this information along!
Stephen Mendenhall: You mentioned 10/13 is Chris Carter's birthday, but I remember a logo for December 3rd Productions, and I don't remember which shows that was for, I think X-files and/or Lois And Clark. So I wondered if you know what the significance of Dec. 3rd is?
Phil: No idea! Anybody?
Murray Leeder: I seem to recall a Cheers episode where Frasier talked about how his father was a domineering psychologist who forced him into his profession. Three cheers for continuity.
Corey Hines, Hamilton, ON I believe trying to keep track of the runabouts after the fifth season finale of DS9 "Call to Arms" will be extremely difficult. Since Starfleet abandoned the station and the effects of the war, I would assume the runabouts would be destroyed. And even after Starfleet re-took the station I would assume the runabouts would be assigned other places and Sisko was lucky he even got one back.
Jim Elek of Sterling Heights, MI: There's one thing that John Latchem doesn't consider in his tracking of the runabouts. After a runabout is destroyed, a new one may be comissioned with the same name! The precendance for this is in TOS where after the shuttle Galileo is destroyed, we see the Galileo II. Of course there's also the Enterprise A-E.
As for Brannon Braga, we'll have to give him the Nitpicker's Nice Try Award. Can a medium-size starship with limited resources build an unlimited number of shuttles? It's true that shuttles are "just a collection of steel, conduits, and technology." However, isn't that like saying humans are just "ugly bags of water"? A better example would be Data. He's just a collection of polymers, circuitry, and technology. Why aren't those Maquis down below building armies of androids?
Mike Deeds: [Your comment about doing an update for the DS9 Guide] surprised me. I had given up all hope for a DS9 Guide Vol. II due to the poor sales of the first one. Are you going to do a combo Trekker Guide so that you can also do a Next Generation update (which you also have mentioned in the past)? (note from Phil: Who knows what the future may bring!)
On to the questions . . .
Stephen Mendenhall: And, when do you get to be on the morning shows, Rosie O'Donnell's show, or even Leno, Letterman and Conan O'Brien? Which talk show would you choose?
Phil: Well, first of all, I do not lust to cross the Glossy Boundary. I will always be a stranger there for I choose to live life in reality. Second, when was the last time you saw an author interviewed on one of those programs?
Rob van Hulst: In several episodes of TNG and further, a sonic shower is mentioned. The aforementioned Encyclopedia has an entry about it, but does not say how it works. Does anybody have an idea?
Phil: I supposed we could assume that since the word sonic refers to sound and vibration we might guess that it is a contraption that uses sound to blast away dirt!
Mike Deeds: Speaking of DS9, what did you think of the episode that brought the Romulans into the war against the Dominion? I can point to this episode if anyone ever asks me why I love DS9. I think DS9 has made the best use of all the different elements of the Star Trek universe. Maybe, I should have seen the ending coming but I can honestly say that it surprised me.
Phil: I thought it was a great episode!
Andrew Corcoran: Did you know that the last episode of the fourth season of Voyager will be stand-alone, just in case the series gets canceled? There are no plans yet for the next season.
Phil: Hadn't heard that! But you know who the rumor mill goes!
Larry Dudock: It has occurred to me that one of the 'ultimate' expressions of how much of a trek fan one is, is how long does it take you from the start of an episode to recognize what episode it is? (I am speaking of TOS here, but it could apply to any series.)
Some episodes have an easily-identifyable opening shot or line of dialogue, but for most, until now it has taken me about a half-minute to two minutes into the episode to ID it.
But... by making and keeping a list of the opening shots of each episode, it then becomes possible to identify the episode after no more than 5-10 seconds into the start. (For example, "The Naked Time" starts with a shot that is usually reserved for the end of episodes: the Enterprise flying off into the sunset, until it's the size of a speck).
Question: Do you know if anyone else has made such a list before? Aware of any net site that publishes such a thing? (I am about half-way thru the construction of my own list... but if others exist, it might be interesting to compare notes.)
(My list is in spreadsheet format, and contains the episode title, a description of the opening shot, the line of dialogue (if any) that accompanies it, and a description of the music (if any). Also, if any two (or more) episodes contain the same opening shot, I note that, too. (There are 6 such pairs that I've noticed so far, but they can be differentiated by the fact that the accompanying sound or music is different in each). The local station airs an episode a day; if they keep doing that, and I get the gaps filled in, it should be complete in a few months.)
Phil: Haven't heard of any site that has such a list but there are *tons* of Trek websites out there! As for identifying the episodes from the start, five to ten seconds would be about right for me after I finish working on a guide for a particular series! Unfortunately, I have done enough guides at this point that all the titles have begun sloshing together in my brain.
Phil Evans: Can you tell me how to join the official Star Trek fan club, coz I don't know how to but I want to (preferably the UK branch).
Phil: No idea! Anybody?
Mark Schieber: Here's a question for you: How big is the galaxy?
Putting aside any map or chart you've seen of the galaxy, just think about what we know so far:
1) Cardassian space borders Bajoran space (thus the occupation)
2) The Federation borders the Romulan AND the Klingon Empires (thus the Neutral Zone(s)
3) Romulan space borders Cardassian space
4) The Romulan Empire is between Cardassian and Federation space (the last two have to be "assumed" from the fact that Dominion ships had to go through Romulan space to invade the Federation as they said in this week's DS9 "In the Pale Moonlight")
This doesn't fit any maps I've ever seen. Have the writers ever released any kind of map (as opposed to the art department)? Or do they make it up as they go along?
Phil: From what I understand, the art department had a map but the writers seem to ignore it!
Thomas Edgar: Not really a nit, just confused: The opening of every (almost) episode of the X-Files includes a scene where Scully and Mulder burst into a room, guns drawn. Well, this scene looks remarkably like a scene from the first-season episode "Squeeze" (You know, the first one with Tooms); when S+M first enter the warehouse. My question is... How did they manage to get that into the credits? Did they really film it that much in advance? Or did they just shoot the scene to LOOK like the scene from the opening (If they did, they did a very good job!)
Phil: Since "Squeeze" was the first production episode I would imagine that the footage was lifted from it to do the opening sequence.
Marian Perera: Why was last week's DS9 ep called "In the Pale Moonlight"? Is that part of a quotation? And what happened to those shoulderpads-r-us uniforms the Romulans used to wear?
Phil: I believe the full quote is "Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight." The implication is that Sisko is "dancing with the devil" in making a deal with Garak. And as far as Romulan style goes: Haven't you heard? Shoulder pads are out. Way, way out! ;-)
Corey Hines, Hamilton, ON: When it comes to nitpicking Voyager, how do you do it. What time does it air where you are, how long does it take to sort through the nits people send you. It airs here at 8:00 p.m EST. Also, on occation you state that you programmed your VCR wrong. Does whatever you do make this extra long to upload the episode.
Phil: Since I have church and choir practice on Wednesday, I usually don't get home until 9PM. I watch the episode, write up a plot summary, do a bit of nitpicking, download any messages that have come in already for the episode and then upload the file. I can usually get it all done in two hours or less. (Which is a bit of a problem since I like to go to bed around 10PM, but hey!)
Mike Konczewski of Havertown, PA: I have to comment on the description of Isaac Asimov as a "somewhat" well-known writer. The poor man's only been dead for 5 years, and already people are fogetting that, in addition to his great work in science fiction, he was the author of over 500 books, with listings in every section of the Dewey decimal system.
Why is it that Star Trek fans know so little about science fiction literature? Without the greats like Asimov, Heinlein, Clarke, et al, Star Trek would never have existed. A better appreciation of the body of work created by these men and women would help the Star Trek writers come up with better story lines. At the very least, the script writers could try adapting some classic SF stories for Star Trek.
Phil: I don't think the problem is just Star Trek fans. I think it's the medium. The visual medium "stunts" story-telling. It high jacks the craft of story-telling with tight costumes and fabulous digital graphics and in the end too few viewers can even distinguish between a well-crafted story or a poor-written script that serves little purpose but to be a vehicle for gorgeous special effects. (As evidence, I give you "Lost In Space"!) It is any surprise then that those who feast on a constant diet of television have little appreciation for the great authors of true science-fiction? (Not that I put any of you in this category, fellow nitpickers! ;-) To enjoy a book requires effort. It just easier to sit before the Glossy-World and "veg."
Have a great weekend, everybody!
If you would like to submit a question or comment, send it to: chief@nitcentral.com with "Ask the Chief" or "Question" in the Subject line. (Remember the legalese: Everything you submit becomes mine and you grant me the right to use your name in any future publication by me.)
Copyright 1998 by Phil Farrand. All rights reserved.