Some of these lost episodes are early incarnations of ideas that were later revised into actual shows. Some were submitted by fans but arrived just a few days late, eclipsed by another submission on a similar topic. Others made it through filming but failed to make the cut with the editor. Some even contain vituperous scribblings from the original nitpicker, Leonard Nimoy. Much of this priceless marginalia points out the unfathomable inconsistencies many of the scripts foist on Spock. (For instance, one comment rightly observes that the Vulcan simply would not don a tutu and tights to dance the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies for the crew's amusement.)
Without further ado then, The Nitpicker's Guide for Classic Trekkers proudly presents the lost episodes of Star Trek. (This is satire. You did figured that out, right? I am definitely not interested in getting sued because some mistook this for real script synopsises.)
"Kirk's Liver." Finding Kirk face down on the surface of Rigel II after one of the captain's periodic visits to the planet's famous cabarets, Spock makes a horrifying discovery. Someone has removed his captain's liver. While McCoy puts Kirk on total liver support, Spock hurriedly locates all shipments that departed from Rigel II in the last 12 hours. Through logic and deductive reasoning, the Vulcan finds the captain's liver on Alpha Alpha Alpha Beta Alpha VI. The strange gravitational forces on this planet mutate water into an alcohol-like substance and the inhabitants have installed Kirk's liver in Purification Central. By removing the intoxicating effect of the water they hope to live sober lives. Just before the captain expires, Spock beams down with a landing party, kills most of the inhabitants and victoriously returns with the liver.
"The Lights Of Looney." When an earthquake destroys most of California in 2007, many of the cartoons that live in the demolished animation studios refuse to die. Anaphasically mutating themselves into an energy cloud, their remaining consciousnesses search through the galaxy for suitable hosts. Two hundred sixty years later, the cloud descends on the Enterprise. To the crew's amazement, Tweety Spock flees the bridge in terror while Chief Engineer "Sufferin' Succotash" Scott tries to bite the Vulcan's head off. Meanwhile, Captain "What's up, Doc?" Kirk gives Leonard "That Rascally Rabbit" McCoy a spirited hunt from stem to stern--urged on by the good doctor's shotgun. Thankfully, Speedy Sulu with his quick mouse-like manipulations manages to isolate the carrier frequency of the cloud and excise the cartoon personalities from the Enterprise before Tasmainian she- devil Uhura destroys the ship.
"The Buns Trap." Moments after dropping into orbit around the Cavelos II, a tractor beam seizes the Enterprise. Seconds later, several beautiful females appear on the viewscreen, demanding to know the meaning of this intrusion. Kirk quickly and charmingly explains that they have come on a mission of peace. At this, Julianna-- leader of Cavelos II--invites Kirk and a landing party to the surface. There, the nine foot tall, stylishly appointed women escort the captain to their Hall of Greeting. Built many years ago--in accordance with the Cavelan belief that a little pain reveals the true character of the soul--the room features two medium sized bear traps mounted on one wall. Though initially shocked at the instructions given by Julianna, Kirk realizes the strategic importance of this world and agrees to comply. Amid revel drums and screeching pipes, the captain bends over and backs into the traps. After the landing party returns to the Enterprise, McCoy repairs the damage and Kirk receives word from Julianna that Cavelos II will join the Federation.
"The Klutz Within." While beaming up from a planet, a transporter malfunction split Kirks into two halves--a dignified, graceful, elegant, somber commander and a goofy, bumbling, uncoordinated schlemiel. In horror, the elegant Kirk watches his klutz self spill coffee on Spock's sensor panel, trip--accidently ripping Uhura's tunic from her body in the process--and send a plate of gooey food cubes flying into the back of Sulu's head. With a preponderance of adjectives and lugubrious intonation the elegant Kirk urges Scott to rapidly complete his repairs. While undesirous of receiving such a hapless entity back into his own person, the elegant Kirk realizes that his other half is the source of his much loved child-like cackle. As the episode ends, the reintegrated Kirk sets course for the Enterprise's next assignment.
"The Prune." In the distant reaches of the galaxy, the Enterprise encounters a planet just like Earth. Its inhabitants are peaceful, free of disease and full of joy. Kirk believes this idyllic existence is too good to be true and beams down with a landing party to investigate. The captain soon discovers the inhabitants' secret bondage. Once a year, they must carefully dry a plum and deposit it in a small opening some distance from their village. According to folklore, this sacrifice insures the planet will produce regular harvests. By following the villagers as they perform the Procession of the Prune, Kirk and the landing party discover that the opening actually leads to an incredibly complex underground network of sophisticated machines. Incensed, Kirk destroys the diabolical, dominating computers, congratulates the inhabitants on their new found freedom and returns to the Enterprise.