NITPICKER'S GUILD NEWSLETTER
October 1994
Volume 1, Number 3
TABLE OF CONTENTS
NOTES FROM THE CHIEF
September 20, 1994
Greetings Fellow Nitpickers!
First of all, I lied to you in the last newsletter.
We already had not one but two nitpickers from Idaho. (Yeah!)
Granted, their letters were in my unprocessed letter pile so I
didn't know about them yet but I believe they had both arrived
at Nitpicker Central when you received the July issue. Their names
are Stephen Hardy and Brooke Krogle and they both live in Coeur
D'Alene. (Strangely enough, I received letters from two more nitpickers
in Idaho just shortly after the newsletters went out. Hmmmm.
This bears further investigation.) In addition, letters have come
in from Holland, Japan, The Netherlands, The Philippines and Sweden
in the last three months. That makes 18 countries by my count.
You probably have already noticed the additional page included
with this mailing. When I printed out a proof copy of this newsletter,
I suddenly realized that I had created nine pages instead of eight!
(Ding, ding, Phil.) I didn't have the heart to cut anything out
so I dropped the ad for the Classic Guide onto a separate page.
Speaking of the Classic Guide, it should start appearing in
bookstores around mid-October. The official release date is November
1, 1994 and bookstores usually begin putting out stock two weeks
beforehand. Advance sales seem to be doing well and for that,
I thank you.
The NextGen Guide is closing in on the magical 100,000 units
sold. There are 133,000 copies in print. Again, I thank
you.
The Guild has over 2000 members now. Of course, not everyone
subscribes to the newsletter but for those who do, I thank you
for that as well.
I have good news. I received word today from my agent,
Steve Ettlinger that we have stuck a deal with Dell to put out
a sequel to the NextGen Guide (hereinafter referred to as NextGen
II Guide. It will contain reviews for the seventh season, the
first Next Gen movie and the nits sent in by members of the Guild
and verified by me. It should be released in the fall of 1995,
probably around November. I have four months of work ahead and
it should be fun. (I've put in two months already on the project.)
In the last newsletter, I mentioned the possibility of lecturing
at a museum. On Sunday, March 26, 1995, I will give a presentation
called "Ruminating On the Technology of Star Trek" at
the The Morris Museum in Morristown, NJ. The museum is hosting
a travelling Star Trek exhibit in the spring of next year. I've
seen the exhibition guide and it looks great! If you're in the
area, drop by and say hello.
SeaQuest, DSV premiered its second season last Sunday night
with a two hour movie. It afforded me the chance to use a new
addition to the Nitpicker's Glossary (so far we have The Elliot
Effect, cabbagisms and INSF--it's not science fiction).
Early in the show, Captain Bridger rides a motorcycle at 164 miles
per hour around a tight curve. The bike stays upright and the
road is flat. That's called a WHIRL (Wouldn't Happen In Real Life).
In real life, the centrifugal force would have shoved the bike
into the ditch!
One last story before I toddle back to the NextGen II Guide.
At times, my knowledge of Trek crops up in the oddest ways. I
normally spend some quiet time each morning on my screened-in
porch. A few weeks ago, I was reading when the light level changed.
Looking up, I saw that one of the bulbs over my head had quit
working. I assumed it had burned out and--since the other three
were still lit--I returned to my book. Moments later, the bulb
came back on. Looking for an appropriate response to this situation
I borrowed a line from Picard at the end of "Chain of Command,
Part 2" and shouted, "There . . . are . . . four . .
. lights!"
Happy Nitpicking! Phil Farrand
THE FUNNIES
I'm sure you realize by now that I try to live my life with
a generous helping of humor. From the content of your letters,
I find that many of you do the same. Anyway, these selections
caused me a chuckle when I read them. Hope they do the same for
you.
The Wave's the Rave
Concerning the episode, "A Matter of Perspective,"
Wells P. Martin of Stamford, CT thinks "it is obvious from
the start that Dr. Apgar had been successful. Minister Krag's
hair was done up in 'Krieger waves'."
Scenes We'll Never See
Greg Reid of Toronto, Ontario found a chuckle imagining the
following ending to a scene from "Ethics," "While
Worf is under the knife, Picard and Riker are in the ready room
dealing with ship's business. Soft music plays in the background.
The camera shows a close-up of Picard, then Riker. They slowly
look up from their PADDs, their eyes meet and Riker says, 'I love
you, Jean-Luc.'"
The Superiority of 24th Century Etiquette
Michael R. Gates of Elkridge, MD offers, "After recently
re-evaluating your list of faux pas in the episode 'Too Short
A Season'," I have come to the conclusion that you have erred
in your assessment of one particular scene. In the scene in question,
Picard and Riker are leaving the main bridge to greet Admiral
Jameson. Just before they board the turbolift, Picard contorts
his face momentarily, then returns to his normal somber expression."
"I believe that the writers intended for Picard to scrunch
his face in this scene and that there was a very plausible reason
for having him do so. I contend that just before our heroes entered
the turbolift, Commander Riker broke wind (even guys in the 24th
century get gas, especially after eating all the replicated food).
Captain Picard got a whiff of it, contorted his face at the horrid
odor, then, being the master of etiquette that his is, quickly
regained his composure to avoid embarrassing Riker."
A New Romance Toteboard
Suzanne R. Golia of Fairport, NY suggests a new sidebar called
"Here it is the 24th Century, and Male-Female Relationships
are more complicated than ever." "You could draw a chart
listing all the complicated relationships between the main bridge
members. Think about it: Riker and Troi. They have this tempestuous
past, even to the point of being Imzadi but are still 'good
friends' (only on TV, folks). Anyway, she really loves Worf, whose
son was also conceived on the Enterprise with an old girlfriend
who he was trying to be 'just friends' with. And let's
look at Picard and Crusher. He was there when her husband died
(also his best friend), but it was an accident, but he really
was in love with her, but her never told her, but she really loves
him . . . . It's like a Woody Allen movie."
The First Trill
James R. Collier of Georgetown, Ontario wonders, "How
did the [Trill] symbiosis ever get started? It requires the lobsteroid-part
to be surgically inserted in the humanoid-part. This does not
look like a serendipitous discovery. Was there some medieval Trill
'Vlad the Impaler' who would get rid of his enemies by slitting
open their bellies and inserting a small animal?"
Health 101 for Starships
Stephen Mendenhall of Ann Arbor, MI offers the following questions
concerning "Emergence," [Note from Phil: Those of you
overseas who haven't seen this seventh season episode yet might
want to skip over this paragraph. I'm about to spoil the plot
for you. Still here? Okay. In "Emergence," the Enterprise
itself creates a "baby-thing" that floats away at the
end of the show.] "Where did the thing go? Why didn't they
follow it? Will it seek out others of its own kind? If the Enterprise
can evolve, so can other starships; and they might soon go from
asexual to sexual reproduction . . ."
"Captain's log, stardate 98789.8. Our mission to Ursulandress
IV had been postponed because the Enterprise has a crush on the
USS Lexington."
"At this point, Troi enters and says, 'Excuse me captain,
I've got some explaining to do. The kids on board are going to
want to know exactly what it is they're seeing out the viewports.'"
Troi's Bunny Suit Revisited
Roxanne Lee of Richfield, UT, aka Captain Tracey Ursula Genius
of Deep Snow 9, explains, "[Troi] wears the slinky outfits
for three reasons. 1) They don't make purple uniforms. 2) She
doesn't really consider herself an officer. 3) It makes Riker
crazy."
Given that Counsellor Troi is now a full commander, Roxanne
may need to adjust her second reason a bit.
Billions and Billions of "Borgs"
Jason K. Adams of San Angelo, TX sent along a list of Borg
personalities including these:
I am Popeye of Borg. You will be askimilgrated.
I am Elmer Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be aswimiwated.
I am Porky of Borg. You will be as-s-sim, as-s-sim, oh forget
it.
I am Spot of Borg. You food and curtains will be assimilated.
I am Hugh of Borg. We want to assimilate Troi. Georgi is our
friend. He can watch.
Yoda of Borg am I. Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, I
will.
I am Sajak of Borg. R_sist_nc is futil_.
I am Madden of Borg. BOOM! WHAM! You're assimilated!
I am Trebek of Borg. For $200, it starts with "R"
and is futile.
I am Barney of Borg. Being assimilated is fun.
Then there's the Borg products:
Borg spreadsheet program, Locutus 1-2-3.
BorgCola, not the choice of the Next Generation.
BorgerKing, We do it our way, your way is irrelevant.
Borg Sticker, Don't like our driving? Call 1 800 Irrelevant.
Borg T-shirt, I survived Borg assimilation and all I got was
this stupid t-shirt.
Actually, this is a t-shirt I would love to produce but I
fear that the name "Borg" is trademarked by Paramount
and would be unavailable for such a frivolous enterprise.
A Nit in the July '94 Issue of the Newsletter (Aaaaaaah!)
Sean G. Sardi of Albany, NY notes, ". . . on page eight,
under the 'Where No One Has Gone Before' heading, paragraph six,
second to last line, the word 'costuming' has been misspelled
to 'constuming.' I'm not sure if that's a problem with one's eating
habits or one's constantly bad mood."
Gender Confusion in Regards to the Chief Nitpicker
Kailen Hong of Turtleford, Sasketchawan admits, "When
I got your 2nd newsletter, I read at the bottom of the gender
change. I thought, 'All this time I thought he was a guy!' Then
I went to the end of the Nitpicker's Guide. 'Yeah, he looks like
a guy . . . wait a sec . . . "his wife and daughter,"
bingo! Now I've got something to bug him about!' Then I read the
rest of the newsletter 'til page 3. 'Oh.'"
I wondered how many of you nitpickers out there would fire
off a letter to me before you finished reading the newsletter.
You're too sharp for my little games. Nobody did! (By the way,
Kailen also asked if I was ever going to print a recipe for Troi
cake with mint frosting.)
Guy Thing/Gal Thing revisited
JO2 Lee Zion serving on the USS Kitty Hawk agrees, "It
must definitely be a "gal thing" to expect a machine
to get emotional. I watched ["The Ensigns of Command"]
with my then-girlfriend, and she was furious when Data
didn't experience some emotional outburst. 'I do not have emotions,'
he said, to which my then-girlfriend angrily responded, 'Oh, yes,
you do!'"
Worf and Deanna's Offspring
Geoffrey Cook of Hammond, IN writes concerning "Parallels,"
[Note from Phil: Again, I apologize to any nitpickers who haven't
seen this episode yet.] "Imagine, Worf and Deanna with two
little girls. When they grow up they could [beat you up] and read
your mind while doing it."
Top Ten Lists
Top Ten Symptoms of Star Trek Fanaticism by Susan Podkowinski
10. Instead of saying "hello" you give co-workers
the "Starfleet nod."
9. You're annoyed that the crew won't be back next season
with new adventures.
8. Quark is on your answering machine.
7. When facing a difficult situation, you yell, "Red
alert! Raise shields" in true Riker fashion.
6. You have certain Star Trek quotes memorized and are just
waiting for an opportunity to use them. [Note from Phil: see story
at the end of "Notes From The Chief."]
5. One room of your house is totally devoted to Trek.
4. After planning to wear a Starfleet uniform to work on Halloween,
you can't decide which division or series to represent.
3. You've had at least one pet named "Tribble."
2. You have Trek toys at work and your co-workers know not
to ask.
1. You actually identify with something on this list.
Top Ten Reasons Kirk Is A Better Captain Than Picard
10. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
9. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor
to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
8. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic
busybody named after a letter of the alphabet.
7. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood
Forest.
6. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
5. When Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
4. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium
nitrate and charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of
his enemies. (Any questions?)
3. One word: Fisticuffs
2. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
1. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God,
and wasn't even impressed.
Actually this list started as "Top 100 Reasons . . ."
but I didn't have that much space. Alma Jo Williams of Ithaca,
NY sent it along with a recent letter. No one knows who wrote
it. Hopefully, most of you aren't ready to reach out and strangle
me for reprinting it! Just having a little fun here. Of course,
I fully expect somebody out there to send me a "Top 10 Reasons
Why Picard Is A Better Captain Than Kirk." For starters how
about, "Real captains don't need fake hair."
Stages and Rafts
Turnabout is fair play. Here's a few thoughts from John S.
DiGianno on the original series episode, "The Mark of Gideon."
Be prepared. Some of the following comments are a bit snide.
"The planet Gideon is terribly overcrowded, so the desperate
populace want to use a virus in Kirk's blood to, as Scrooge would
say, decrease the surplus population. To this end, these geniuses
construct an exact replica of the Enterprise on Gideon, despite
the fact that people are standing on top of each other in the
street. The leaders then capture and knock out the intrepid captain,
and try to convince him the faux ship is the real thing. Moronically,
the dimwits have already taken the required sample of blood before
Kirk recovers consciousness. Even a Pakled must wonder what's
the point of the humungous pretend ship on a planet already busting
at the seams."
"When Kirk realizes what's up, he's horrified. He's even
more bummed to realize that Odona, the babe-o-the-week, is dying
of the virus. Kirk pouts and stamps his foot until Odona is saved.
'It's all right now,' she says. They'll use the dormant virus
in her blood to bump off most of the planet. Smiles all around
as the screen fades to black. Don't you just love happy endings?"
"Frankly, with brain trusts like these, it's easier to
figure out how Gilligan and the Professor can build a stage for
Ginger but can't build a raft to get of the [stupid] island."
Where Have All the Fashion Designers Gone?
Barbara Smith of Havertown, PA asks, "Did all the fashion
designers die out in the final world war on Earth? What was that
hideous thing Dr. Crusher wears in the final scene of "Attached."
[Note from Phil: Sorry, sorry, sorry, another seventh season
show.] In the midst of a very moving moment I found myself laughing
out loud as Beverly rose from the couch wearing what I thought
was the tablecloth. If this is considered style in the 24th century
I believe I'll leave a few pair of Levis [for my descendants]."
Moooooooo
Anne Marie Stodola of Saskatoon, Sasketchewan wonders, "Why
did they name Picard's first on-screen love interest 'Vash?' In
French, the word 'vache' is pronounced the same way but it means
'cow.' Did they do that on purpose since every female viewer would
hate the character any way? Why didn't Jean-Luc find the name
amusing? He is, afterall, French, is he not?
From the Journal of Obsessive/Compulsive Behavior . . .
CONTINUING COMMUNICATIONS
Nitpicking. The final frontier of fandom. These are the continuing
communications of Nitpicker Central
I always enjoy hearing from you. Here's a few excerpts from
your letters.
The New Nitpicker's Guild Prime Directive
Jim Sutton of Glendale, AZ correctly notes, "[The Prime
Directive in the NextGen Guide] (The information in the Guide
comes solely from the television show) is considerably different
from the 'All nits picked shall derive from sources the creators
consider canonical' [as stated on the back of the membership card]."
Noticed that, did ya? I had a point to prove in the NextGen
Guide. Since it covers the first 152 episode of ST:TNG, I felt
that the creators had ample time to give us important background
information. It's all part of developing a good story. For instance,
I spent a year watching ST:TNG and never found one piece of dialogue
that explained how the Federation started. Turns out--according
to other sources--Earth was one of the founding members! That's
an important piece of information, isn't it? Couldn't the creators
find a place to give us that info?
On the other hand, once I started working on the Classic Guide,
I knew I had to modify the Prime directive. There's only 79 episodes.
Presumably, Roddenberry would have gotten around to filling in
the blanks had the original series lasted longer. So what is considered
canonical? (Or, authoritative if you prefer that word.) All the
television shows, all the movies (even The Final Frontier) and
the reference books from Pocket Books. According to Paramount,
none of the novels have actually happened. They're Star Trek "fiction"
along with the animated series and any old reference materials
not published by Pocket Books.
Turbolift Door Signage II (Soon to be a major motion picture)
Scott Saslow of Boca Raton, FL writes, "In 'The Dauphin,'
the sign on the turbolift door says, '22 TURBOLIFT 3.' In the
April newsletter, you say 'what is that supposed to mean.' It
probably means turboshaft number 3."
I agree that would be a good guess. Unfortunately, according
to the technical manual, turboshaft 3 only goes down to deck 16!
Mister . . . Misses . . . Miss . . . Ms . . . Hey you!
Lydia Blackman of Conway, AR offers on the matter of gender-specific
titles in Starfleet, "Starfleet deals with many different
species around the galaxy, some of which have more than two sexes,
or none at all. I guess they settled on 'Mister' for everybody
as a safe middle ground. I had wondered about this too, after
'Mister Saavik' in ST II:TWOK, but really, 'Mister' is an honorific,
and it's only specifically masculine by association."
The Chief Confuses Port and Starboard
Brian O'Marra of Little Rock, AR notes, "On page 407
[of the NextGen Guide] under continuity problems, you state that
Picard's quarters had to be on the starboard side of the ship
since the stars crawl from right to left. Actually, his quarters
would have to be on the port side."
Faces In the Comet Dust
Allan W. Fix of Minneapolis observes, "In the beginning
credits of DS9 when the comet's tail passes in front of the viewer,
you can see the faces of some of the Classic cast in the shadows
and sparkles. I vaguely make out half of Kirk's face first, then
a definite visage of Spock."
I must admit I was skeptical when I first read Allan's letter
But, it sure does look like Spock! Use a good VCR with freeze
frame. (I record at six-hour speed to make the frozen picture
clearer.)
Troi and the Academy
John Burrows of Mdx., England, suggests "I feel that
Deanna Troi did not need to have any knowledge of warp drive or
anything engineering. She was a counsellor and as such would have
been given standing commensurate with having to counsel people
from the captain downwards. She may not even have attended the
Academy."
Along the same lines, John Hobson of Bolingbrook, IL writes,
"[In 'Disaster,'] Troi, as senior officer present, takes
command on the bridge. This is probably a mistake. In the navy,
[the source of all the rank designations for Star Trek,] there
are two basic types of officers--what the US Navy calls 'Unrestricted
Line Officers' and specialists, such as Medical Officers, Lawyers,
Chaplains, etc. Only an Unrestricted Line Officer may serve as
Officer of the Deck, because only an Unrestricted Line Officer
would have the training. Indeed, Troi points up this problem well,
as she obviously doesn't know what to do."
I agree that if you discount "Disaster" and treat
Troi as a specialist, her lack of engineering knowledge makes
perfect sense--as does the seventh season episode "Thine
Own Self," where Troi takes the commanders test. Unfortunately,
the creators gave us a paradox in "Disaster." Either
Troi should know how the ship works or she shouldn't be in charge!
Marina Sirtis as a Nitpicker
Eva Schultz of Joliet, IL sent me a newspaper article quoting
Sirtis (Counsellor Troi), at a convention in Tulsa, OK, saying
that she never understood how the writers allowed her character--who
possesses empathic powers--to play poker. Specifically, the article
quotes Sirtis as saying, "How stupid can they be?"
I was at that convention as a speaker. I can't remember the
exact quote but I do remember that she has always been incredulous
that anyone would play poker with Troi.
Additional Thoughts On Communicators
Paul R. Lilly of Danbury, CT writes, "In reference to
the note of Ysabelle Pelletier in the [July] newsletter, I would
like to add a few thoughts. It has been noted in the [NextGen
Guide] that you can't activate controls by sitting on them and
in 'Hero Worship' the boy's guilt was solved by telling him that
he didn't have security clearance, so touching a computer screen
couldn't have done anything. This suggests to me that the computer
can recognize fingerprints or has some other method of ID. Is
it so strange to think that technology is also used in communicators
as well? Especially when Danar in 'The Hunted' used the hand of
the security officer he had just belted to activate the combadge
and have the force field lowered."
A good possibility. On the other hand, there's "The Survivors"
where Riker pulls off his communicator and hands it to Rishon
Uxbridge. And, in "Power Play," Troi, Data and O'Brien
drop their communicators in a turbolift and simply take additional
ones from their hostages. If the communicators are keyed to an
individual--as "The Hunted" seems to indicate--isn't
there too much swapping going on?
Spock Doll To Be Refused Entry In Britain
Felix Mariposa of Oakland California sent me a fascinating
little article he found in the Times while travelling in the UK
recently. Customs in Britain has limited the number of Spock figures
that can be imported from China. Interestingly enough, no limit
applies to Kirk. It seems and that there's different quotas for
human vs. non-human toys. Since Spock is only half human he rates
as non-human and "will have to find some other way to beam
himself in."
Wil Wheaton as a Nitpicker
Yoko K. Ema from Chicago, IL publishes her own newsletter.
In her July update, she reports that Wil Wheaton (Wesley Crusher)
appeared on one of QVC's Star Trek specials (QVC is a home shopping
cable channel that often dedicates entire hours to selling Star
Trek books and memorabilia). He and the host talked about the
Nitpicker's Guide. Wil thought some of the stuff was a bit much
but had his own nits as well. For instance, in "Identity
Crisis," when La Forge is transformed into an alien, why
don't they just use the transporter to filter it out? Yoko added,
"Do you think since Will had his own nits, he should become
a guild member?"
Okay by me. (Marina Sirtis, as well.)
Universal Translator Fraud
Joshua Ethridge of Fayetteville, AR comments, "I do not
believe that the universal translator even exist. I think that
through some amazing coincidence, every planet in the galaxy somehow
managed to evolve a language just like English. Maybe the race
that existed millions of years ago from 'The Chase' planted a
dictionary in the DNA too. It is my opinion that the Universal
Translator is nothing but a scam and should not be taken seriously."
Historical Revisionism?
Alma Jo Williams of Ithaca, NY notes, "I got the audio
tapes of Star Trek Memories read by William Shatner and
found at the very end of the tape, some comments concerning Gene
Roddenberry which were probably true but not complimentary, to
wit, that Gene drank to excess, [slept] around and did cocaine.
I looked it up in [a first printing] hard cover copy of the book
and sure enough, there it was. Being cheap, I decided to await
the paperback, which had more detail [than the tapes but was missing]
the bit on Roddenberry's drinking and the cocaine. [Subsequent
printings] of the hard cover of the book had no reference to it
either. My nit concerns the white-washing of behavior which was
apparently well-known by Gene's associates by which is cleaned
up to preserve the mythic legend of the great creator."
Gun Control - Paramount Style
Ever wonder what happened to all those cool props for Star
Trek: The Next Generation? Gary G. Kerr of Alton, IL happens to
know someone who works out there on the west coast--we'll call
this someone "Bob" to protect his identity.
Gary wrote, "Here's a grim story that Bob told me about
the final day of shooting for Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Lots of props disappeared--some were destroyed, but others were
'liberated.' Apparently a lot props (Ferengi phasers, Romulan
disruptors, etc.) were all being tossed into the trash barrel,
but about 40 pieces were salvaged before a load of plaster was
dumped into the barrel. Bob didn't get anything because he was
about an hour late. Bob, himself [as per Paramount's instructions],
has thrown away more than three dumpster loads of TNG molds."
The First Nit From the First NextGen Movie?
Star Trek: Generations, the first movie with the NextGen cast
will be released very soon. Shannon T. Nutt of Tulsa, OK gets
the honor of reporting the first potential nit (several months
before the movie's release!)
"There is one plot point [from the movie] that has been
well publicized. In Star Trek: Generations, Captain Kirk
dies. [However,] when Scotty is first revived from the transporter
in 'Relics,' he asks the away team what ship they are from. He's
told that it is the Enterprise. Now, these are Scotty's words,
'The Enterprise?! I should have know that Captain Kirk would pull
the girl out of mothballs to come to the rescue!' [These two facts
give nitpickers something to watch for. If Scotty sees Kirk die
in the movie, he definitely shouldn't be expecting Kirk to rescue
him in 'Relics.']"
He Shouldn't, But He Does
Amy Schwartz of Peoria, IL confesses, "I am a major Data
fan. Therefore, I usually dismiss your 'truths' about his use
of contractions. In my mind, most of these were either in the
first season (when the character was not truly set in stone),
or else he was playing someone other than Data. So, I was vastly
disappointed to discover that Data uses a contraction in the seventh
season as himself! In 'Gambit, Part II,' Data has command of the
Enterprise when they meet up with a Klingon. At one point, Data
says, 'Perhaps I have not made our intentions clear. We're investigating
. . .' Oh Data--I'm disappointed in you."
Update from Denmark
Sandra M. Blom of Ydunsvej, Denmark writes, "I read that
you would like to hear how I obtain my viewing of Star Trek. Danish
TV only showed one season of TNG. So, I and all the other trekkers
in Denmark had to turn to the German TV station again. It's my
worst nightmare--Picard talking German!"
Stella Sorensen of Helsinge, Denmark also wrote to mention
two other methods of obtaining Trek. A small number of video tapes
are available for sale. Also, the satellite that shows Trek in
England happens to have a large footprint and if you can obtain
a satellite dish, decoded and an "unofficial" card to
receive the satellite . . . (Not that Stella would do anything
like that. She just mentioned it as a possibility.)
Update on Japan
Yoko K. Ema of Chicago, IL writes, "I would like to report
[on] the situation in Japan. In the Tokyo area, it seem that they
have just started to air TNG. [My sister] said it's on around
4-5 AM and is airing 1-2 seasons. They are not getting the best
treatment I guess! Star Trek isn't really big in Japan, but there
are loyal fans there.
Home Sweet Home
Joe Barron of Philadelphia, PA observes, "It' a wonder
no one ever thinks of quitting Star Fleet, picking up their dilithium
marbles and going home. In the 24th century, according to the
show, Earth has become a paradise. There is no war, no poverty,
no intolerance, no exploitation. So what do we do? We venture
into space. And what do we find there? War, poverty, intolerance
and exploitation. We encounter more than a thousand races many
of whom present us with a dark, distorted reflection of ourselves.
(That's the real reason they look like us.) There are the Romulans,
who behave like interstellar Nazis, with their space-going U-boats
and their secret police; the Klingons, who love violence for its
own sake; the Cardassians, sadistic and imperialist; the Ferengi
[consumed with greed]; and the Borg, who ruthlessly destroy ecosystems
in their quest for more and greater technology. Who needs it?
We travel thousands of light years from home, only to become embroiled
in battles over turf. It's a long way to go to pick a fight."
We go because--according to Q--we have a "quality of
growth." (Wink, wink)
Beverly's Secret
Eva Schutz of Joliet, IL discloses, "[Here's] a fabulous
nit picked by my good friend Rachel Sheets. Brace yourself: Wesley
cannot be Jack and Beverly's son! Jack and Beverly both have blue
eyes, and Wes has brown. (We know Jack's eye color from a holodeck
image and a flashback.) According to genetics, blue eyes are a
recessive trait. Each parent gives a gene for eye color, and in
this case, they can only give blue! [Since each parent has blue
eyes, their genetic makeup must be 'pure' blue or they would have
a more dominant eye color.] But, Wes's eyes are brown, a dominant
trait. That means Wesley is adopted or kidnapped [or fathered
by someone other than Jack]. Whatever the case may be, I am thoroughly
scandalized."
Does Picard have brown eyes?
HUMOR NOT INCLUDED
The original manuscript for the NextGen Guide had a few extra
attempts at humor. Jeanne and I eventually decided to take them
out. Rightly so, Jeanne felt the book was supposed to be about
Star Trek: The Next Generation. Most of what follows is simply
about me being a wise guy.
The Top Ten Lists
My nitpicking buddy, Darrin Hull, and I banged out most of
these one evening while having dinner with our wives at a Chinese
restaurant and then following them around the mall for several
hours.
Top Ten Comments Heard On The Bridge During Third Shift
10. I'm telling you, it was Worf on The Federation's Most
Wanted last night.
9. Not the red button!
8. Starfleet, schmarfleet, this is my ship now.
7. Great, just great. So how are we suppose to redock with
the star drive section? It's still at warp.
6. Are we suppose to fire on the Tellarians or the Terellians?
5. No fair! You said I could play Picard next.
4. Ninety-nine bottles of synthahol. Ninety-nine bottles of
synth. You replicate one and pass it around...
3. Hey, it's a Game Boy! Picard's got a Game Boy in the arm
of his chair!
2. Oops!
1. Anybody remember the access code for the viewscreen in
Troi's quarters?
Top Ten Gag Gifts Given to the Crew of the Enterprise
10. A lifetime transporter pass for Pulaski.
9. The video, "Trombone in Three Easy Lessons,"
for Riker.
8. A Romulan pen-pal for Alexander.
7. Reading glasses for La Forge.
6. The book, "Getting in Touch with Your Femininity,"
for Worf.
5. Fifty coupons to Jiffy Lube for Data.
4. A bottle of spritz for Picard.
3. A turtle-neck dickey for Troi.
2. For Crusher . . . (I couldn't think up anything that would
top the goofy skull cap medical do-dad from "Lonely Among
Us.")
1. A jar of tar for Yar.
Top Ten Rejected Names for Shuttlecrafts
Pinto, Mickey, Titanic, Kavorkian, Edsel, Goofy, Gremlin,
Hitler, Hindenburg and Binky.
Top Ten Reasons For Not Dating A Betazoid Female
10. Don't tell me you don't care where we eat.
9. Look, you can either admit you don't know where they live
and call them now or we can drive around for another hour until
you get up the courage to tell me your lost.
8. Yes, I do know where you left your communicator but if
you had a place for everything you wouldn't need my help.
7. No, I won't have dinner with you. I make it a policy never
to date men with outstanding warrants.
6. So, when are you going to tell me about the tattoo?
5. Do you want me to show up at 7:00 or 7:15 for my surprise
birthday party?
4. Listen here, buckwheat! I'm only five pounds heavier since
the last time you saw me and, no, I don't need a Thighmaster.
3. Just take out that 100 credit piece you're hiding in your
wallet. It's a beautiful dress. It's on sale and I want it!
2. Who's Carol?
1. Hi Jim. It's very nice to meet you. Yes, I'm wearing lots
of silk underwear. No, you aren't going to see any of it tonight
and, no, I don't have anything that would fit you.
Top Ten Best Sellers in the 24th Century
10. "Bar Bets You Can't Lose" by Guinan.
9. "How To Get The Most Out Of Your Holodeck Fantasies"
by Lt. Barclay.
8. "Things You Wish I Didn't Know About You" by
Counsellor Troi.
7. "I'm Q, You're Not" by Q.
6. "How To Violate The Prime Directive and Get Away With
It" by Captain Jean-Luc Picard with foreword by Captain James
T. Kirk.
5. "Klingons Who Cavort With Romulans Who Hate Klingons
and the Sisters Who Love Them" by Lursa and Betor.
4. "I'm All Ears" by Sovak the Ferengi. (I know,
too easy.)
3. "I'm Fine, You're Emotional" by Data.
2. "A Klingon, His Bat'telh and their Disemboweled Enemies:
A Love Story" by Lt. Worf
1. "The Nitpicker's Guide for Zillionth Generation Trekkers"
by Tootle Wazslamy Norq, great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grand
daughter of Phil Farrand.
The Original Nitpicker's Guild Entrance Exam
"The Creator Is Always Right" section of the NextGen
Guide started out life as "The Nitpicker's Guild Entrance
Exam." It consisted of ten multiple choice questions (similar
to those in The Creator Is Always Right), five short answer and
five essay. I've been a huge fan of Douglas Adams for many years
and the exam quickly took on some of the characteristics of his
"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" series. I wanted
to do something completely off the wall and since I had commenced
the Nitpicker's Guild I thought I would write a wacky entrance
exam just to get it off to a good start. Wisely, Jeanne thought
I should compose a less zany entrance exam and limit "The
Creator Is Always Right" to only five multiple choice questions.
To finish out this column I've picked out one of the original
multiple choice questions. Be forewarned: Depending on your life
outlook you may find some of this a bit irreverent. (The setup
for this bit is the same as "The Creator Is Always Right."
It might help to review that section in the NextGen Guide. I starting
feeling bad about the amount the space this question consumed
so I dropped the point size of the font. Hope you can still read
it!)
Question
In the episode, "Evolution," Wesley Crusher puts
the Enterprise in danger by allow some tiny robots, called nanites,
to work together. Who was the original designer of these micro-micro-miniature
machines?
A. Dr. Lax Slothum, a mediocre staff doctor at Federation
Medical Outpost 324. Some believe that he did the initial work
on the nanytes and then sold the rights to Phineas Hummer.
B. Phineas Hummer, marketeer on the grandest of all scales,
owner and CEO of Those Nifty Narvelous Nanites, Inc.
C. Amadeus "Hooch-Head" Goofstaffen, the lecherous
playboy well known in every bar of the Provacatas Major System
and inheritor of the massive empire of Goof Masters, Inc. This
Federation-wide company specializes in providing personnel who
blunder so badly that they can make any middle-management executive
shine in comparison.
Answer
C. Historians generally agree that if Dr. Goofstaffen had
gone through life a little poorer, the entire face of technology
could have been rewritten. Even his research as a doctoral candidate
in Microcybernetics quickly became accepted as a standard. Unfortunately
for the galaxy, life took a strange turn for Dr. Goofstaffen.
Three days after receiving his doctorate, Goofstaffen's uncle's
wife's god-son's brother's father-in-law's great grandmother passed
away. She was the sole owner and chairman of the board of Goof
Masters, Inc. Partly because of Goofstaffen's last name, but mostly
because she recognized his prodigious genius, this extremely distant
relative made Goofstaffen the sole beneficiary of her estate.
Suddenly, Dr. Goofstaffen was one of the richest beings in the
Federation.
Since the corporation's executive officers could run the business
perfectly well without him, Goofstaffen decided to take a vacation.
He wanted to tour the known galaxy before buying a planet and
settling down to forge new scientific discoveries. Dr. Goofstaffen's
wanderings led him to the Provacatas Major System--a raucous,
profligate series of planets known for their unrestrained hedonism.
For the next three years, Goofstaffen's affairs are poorly documented.
Only two facts shine through. First, Goofstaffen became the undisputed
"chug-a-lug" champion of the Provacatas Major System.
Second, Bingo Thonk--an monstrous and hairy Althrudian--killed
Goofstaffen after accusing him of sleeping with his mate, a coquettish
vamp by the name of Zzowie.
The incident started innocently enough. Goofstaffen and Zzowie
met eyes over the bar. Goofstaffen often mixed drinks in bars
that were short of help. After making Zzowie a Hot Plasma Gin
Sizzler, Goofstaffen wandered it over to her. Goofstaffen maintained
a large selection of opening lines for situations like this. This
night, he chose the wrong one. He told Zzowie he could guess the
location of her birthmark. Just as Goofstaffen did, Bingo Thonk
returned from ripping off someone's arms. He heard Goofstaffen
correctly locate and describe in detail Zzowie's birthmark and
assumed the worse. Borrowing a line from his hero, Bingo bellowed,
"If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out
my riddle." The details of the next few minutes would offend
the reader's sensibilities. Suffice it to say, Dr. Amadeus "Hooch-Head"
Goofstaffen ceased to exist only moments later.
Fortunately for the Federation, Goofstaffen's parts were shipped
back to Goof Masters, Inc. As per standard operating procedure,
a clerk submitted the remains for an autopsy. Goofstaffen's body
bag arrived at Federation Medical Outpost 324 two hours before
the start of Dr. Lax Slothum's vacation. Begrudgingly, Dr. Slothum
opened the bag and glanced over the carnage. With a snort of disgust,
he shoved the remains toward one of the storage bays and turned
to enter his report. Just as he did, the medical scanners beeped.
Goofstaffen had rolled under the sensors. Slothum scanned the
display. The readouts puzzled him.
For the next forty minutes Slothum carefully excised the tiny
robots from Goofstaffen's throat, stomach and intestines. He spent
his vacation studying them. They seemed to ingest alcohol and
secrete a balanced combination of proteins, carbohydrates and
fats. Slothum knew Goofstaffen's reputation as a scientist and
inventor. He had no doubt that Goofstaffen designed the machines.
However, Slothum couldn't imagine why Goofstaffen had built them
in the first place. At the time, Slothum didn't know about the
"chug-a-lug" contests.
At this point, Dr. Lax Slothum tottered on the edge of a great
opportunity. He could start a corporation, procure funding, dissect
a few of the robots, learn to reprogram them to do other more
important tasks, manufacture the redesigned version and amass
a fortune to rival any in the Federation. Or, he could call his
brother-in-law, Phineas Hummer and sell the robots to him. Slothum
chose the latter. Of course, Phineas Hummer did everything Slothum
should have done and retired three years later fabulously wealthy.
Meanwhile, back at the bar where Goofstaffen died, female
patrons continue to claim that his ghost makes frequent visits.
They say an odd feeling comes over them from time to time. It's
a brush-like sensation that starts at their feet and quickly whisks
to the top of their heads. It gives them goose bumps. The patrons
don't realize that hundreds of Goofstaffen's nanytes are still
scanning for birthmarks and then returning to the backside of
the bar for further instructions.
You know, this just might explain why Wesley places traps
for the nanytes behind the bar in Ten-Forward during the episode,
"Evolution." Maybe, he doesn't intended to put them
throughout the whole ship. Maybe, he simply hopes that some portion
of the nanytes' original programming might be intact. Possibly,
the nanytes will complete their task and return to the back of
the bar, just like Goofstaffen instructed them to do.
STILL MORE SEASON ONE NITS
More nits from the first season! As always, you may not agree
that all of them are nits but look them over.
Lonely Among Us
"When the Enterprise beams up the snake-like alien delegation,
the leader says they must have quarters 'upwind' from the other
alien delegation. Riker reacts as if this is a reasonable request.
What exactly is 'upwind' on a starship?" Mark Belanger
of Butte, MT.
"At the very beginning of the episode, Worf and Geordi
are checking the sensors. Worf touches the panel and falls to
the floor. The wide shot shows him to the right of the door that
Dr. Crusher later comes through. But after the first break when
Crusher does come in, Worf is lying directly in front of the door.
Klingons sure move a lot when they're unconscious!" Megan
Dyvig of Clayton, MO.
"When Picard is possessed, he behaves irrationally. There
is a similar episode with Kirk in the classic episode, 'Obsession.'
In the latter episode, there is a wonderful scene in which McCoy
and Spock confront Kirk concerning his bizarre, puzzling orders.
In a dignified, respectful but unapologetic manner, they quote
regulations to him, and note that he has given unusual orders.
They politely request a fuller explanation. The implication, unspoken
but very much made, is that McCoy and Spock together have the
power to relieve Kirk."
"But when the same problem occurs on the new Enterprise,
Beverly Crusher confronts Picard in private, tentatively, apologetically.
Picard bullies her into thing that she has snapped. He
even talks her into giving herself a full examination!" Mark
S. Painter of Mont Clare, PA.
"As the Enterprise returns to the energy cloud to drop
off the lifeform controlling Picard, the 'NCC-1701' on the lower
side of the saucer section is reversed. They must have used a
clip backwards and hoped no one would notice." David Foster
of Charleston, WV.
"[After Picard beams out,] Yar returns to the bridge,
saying the transporter chief has no idea what the coordinates
were. Doesn't the transporter have a log?" L. Scott Grant
of Pembroke Lakes, FL.
"Data, Riker and Yar are discussing interrogation and
location of delegates after a crewman is found dead. Data has
a pipe and is emulating Sherlock Holmes. [At one point,] Data
answers, "Given the choice, they would rather kill each other
than any of us. It's elementary, my dear Riker . . . sir."
(A contraction) David W. Miracle of Louisville, KY.
"Am I the only one who finds this Parliament representative
thing just a little strange? They're trying to kill each other
and nothing is done to stop them, except for a few security guards
yelling at them. And, then when one rep is killed and cooked,
no one takes it seriously. A murder has been committed! There
is a murderer on the Enterprise! Why does no one care?" John
Morrison of Garibaldi Highlands, British Columbia. [Note from
Phil: They care. They just do it when we aren't looking. It's
called "off-screen caring." <grin>]
"Just before Picard transports out, he pushes one button
on the transporter console. ONE BUTTON!? A normal transport means
pressing about three of six buttons, and then doing that sliding
motion with those three sensor bar things. Even in delayed transports,
they do the sliding motion and then step onto the pad." Michael
Ballway of Evanston, IL.
Justice
"The scene when Crusher communicated with Picard who
was on the planet for the first time. When they showed Crusher
with Data in the background in Sickbay, there were [main] bridge
sound effects." Johnson Lai of Ajax, Ontario.
"Is it me, or does the vessel on which the Edo's god
travels look suspiciously like the Lysian central command in 'Conundrum'?
Maybe the Lysians, like their Sartaaran counterparts, are not
as powerless as the Federation [thinks]." Steven Hewis
of Whitby, Ontario.
"On basic point is very disturbing in this episode. The
Edo are clearly not technically advanced, yet the crew beams on
and off their planet with hardly the bat of a native's eye. For
that matter, the mere existence of aliens should challenge their
concept of reality. If I were one of them, any being capable of
materialization [would be] automatically a god. David
K. Smith of West Trenton, NJ.
"After Data is disconnected from the alien probe, he
is conferring with Captain Picard. Data refers to the aliens as
'they' and Picard says, 'You're saying, "they." So this
is a vessel of some sort?' Data replies, 'Definitely not a single
entity if that's what you mean, sir. (A contraction) Another
thing that's been bugging me is how come Wesley doesn't wear a
communicator pin on the away team." Annette G. Pearson
of Marshalltown, Iowa.
"You right raise the point that Tasha Yar says she has
reviewed the laws and customs of the Edo, and yet failed to assimilate
the single key factor of those laws. You find this strange--but
it is not if you consider the alternative: Tasha Yar is not very
bright. Look at her record. She seduces an android (and this is
the person who spent her childhood evading rape gangs--is this
credible?); she manages to get kidnapped by Lutan (Head of Security?);
she fails to stop a couple of Klingons begin put into the brig
(surely a very secured area of the ship) with a disassembled
weapon; then she blasts away with a phaser at an unknown alien
without making any attempt to take cover. I'm surprised she lasted
as long as she did." Richard Smith of Surrey, England.
"Wesley makes the statement, 'I'm with Starfleet. We
don't lie.' Not counting the times that Wesley himself has been
involved in deception, I like Captain James Kirk's blatant contradiction
to this in Star Trek III to the Klingon who claimed Kirk was supposed
to kill him: 'I lied.'" Jeff Souder of Pekin, IN.
"When Picard and Dr. Crusher exit the room after he tells
her he will not let the Edo execute Wesley, the door begins to
close and stops as Beverly passes through right after Picard.
After she passes, the door closes. Those doors can be pretty impatient
every one in a while." Mark Belanger of Butte, MT.
"Supposedly, the temperature is comfortably warm and
this is supported by the fact that the natives wear almost no
clothing. Yet, Wesley runs around in the bright sun and even plays
baseball while wearing a wool sweater! I know it is probably not
really wool from Earth sheep but it sure looks like it and presumably
has the same thermal properties." David L. Freitas of
S. Dartmouth, MA.
The Battle
"As Picard and DaiMon Bok are on the Stargazer, you mentioned
the fact that the Enterprise just waited till it was out of tractor
beam range. However, you failed to mention that Bok beamed off
while the shields were still up." Murray J.D. Leeder of
Calgary, Alberta.
"In a communication with Riker, the Ferengi first officer
referred to Bog as Captain instead of DaiMon."
Johnson Lai of Ajax Ontario.
"If the Stargazer's shields are up, how can the Enterprise
lock on with a tractor beam. If you remember, in 'The Best Of
Both Worlds,' the Borg couldn't lock on until the Enterprise's
shields were down." Matt Classen of Smartville, CA.
[Phil: "Old shields?"]
"Riker asks Data if there is any defense [against the
Picard Maneuver. 'None.' How about leaving the vicinity at
high warp? Since Riker knew it was coming, he could
have quickly moved out of range and then used a similar maneuver
to sneak up on Picard's backside and entrap him." David
K. Smith of West Trenton, NJ.
"At the end of the episode, they beam Picard back as
well, but there is no indication what so ever that Picard had
lowered the shields." Natali Crosby of Timberlea, Nova
Scotia.
"Soon after the Ferengi appear on the Enterprise bridge,
Captain Picard has another 'headache.' Commander Riker calls out
'Bridge to Sickbay.' Picard simply waves his hand and whispers,
'No.' Sickbay never responds! No 'Sickbay . . . Crusher here?'
So a whisper and a hand wave are enough to cancel an intership
communication?" David J. Ferrier of Washington, D.C.
"The Enterprise can target certain hostile ships' systems
without effecting others. Why couldn't they disable the Stargazer's
weapons?" Caleb Sjogren of Indianapolis, IN.
"Interesting note on the uniforms of the 'imaginary crew
mates.' They are all in the Next Generation uniform. However,
Jack Crusher was killed aboard the Stargazer. Yet, when he appears
as a hologram to Wesley, he is wearing a uniform from the film
era." Patricia Pozywak of Elyria, OH.
"Picard introduces Riker as first officer and Data as
second in command. Aren't those the same thing? Data is second
officer, but he's third in command. In another scene
Beverly examines Picard and proclaims that his headache pain is
not gone. She says that it's still there, only cloaked. How can
this be? If the captain can't feel any pain, the pain by definition
must be gone. Isn't that what pain is--physical discomfort that
one can feel?" Paul T. Mulik of Joplin, MO.
"If Jack Crusher served aboard [the Stargazer] under
Picard, why don't Wesley or Dr. Crusher react to the fact that
this was his ship?" Jaycee Carey of Roby, TX.
"Assuming that an object can't be towed at warp (as mentioned
in the episode 'Final Mission'), why would the Enterprise waste
time towing the Stargazer? It would take a long time to get anywhere.
Even if the Federation has an outpost or starbase 10 light years
[away], it would still take ten years for the Enterprise to reach
it." Wesley R. Payne of Denton, TX. [Phil: The better
option, of course, would be for the crew to fix the warp drive
and have someone fly it home.]
"When the sensors [on the bridge] first detect the Stargazer,
Geordi says, 'I'm reading it now as a Constellation Class starship
heading this way under impulse power.' But if you watch his lips
closely he actually says 'Constitution class' instead of 'Constellation
class.' Of course Constitution class was the design of the original
Enterprise and the Stargazer does not resemble this model at all.
The dub-in corrects what would be an otherwise glaring error.
But, then again, maybe Geordi just thought he was in an old Godzilla
movie." Mark Belanger of Butte, MT.
"It's amazing what lengths Picard will go to show what
a 'Renaissance Man' he is. When abandoning the Stargazer (in flames
and so crippled they were forces to abandon it for shuttlecraft),
he still manages to leave an epigrammatic final log, 'may she
find her way without us,' or some such. Admittedly, Bok could
have falsified this entry, but if so it would be very odd for
him [to do so.]" John Potts of London, England. [Note
from Phil: As I read this nit, all I could think of was Picard's
performance in "Cause and Effect," "Abandon ship!
All hands, abandon ship!"]
"It's a good job Bruce Maddox wasn't around [during 'The
Battle'.] It appears nobody, not even Data, thinks of him as sentient
in this episode. Consider the conversation when the Ferengi are
prancing around the bridge. After they have a go at the women,
they turn their attentions to Data and the conversation sort of
goes like this:
Ferengi: 'We would like to buy him. How much?'
Picard: 'He's not for sale.'
Ferengi: 'Why not?'
Picard: 'He's ah . . .
Riker: 'He's second hand goods.'
Data reacts with some alarm when Picard has no answer, as
if he thinks he could be about to change hands, then shrugs at
Riker's reply."
"In my book, the words, 'not for sale,' have connotations
of something that could be sold. Substitute the words, 'Enterprise,'
or 'computer software' or 'phaser cannon' and it makes sense.
Substitute 'Deanna Troi.' Is Picard really going to say, 'She's
not for sale?' Or, is he more likely to explode and say, 'Sir,
we have long risen above such things. We no longer sell each other
into slavery.' (That is if he got a chance to say anything before
Riker pasted the Ferengi all over the main view screen.) And if
Picard has said, 'She's not for sale,' would Riker have said,
'She's second hand goods'? If he did, I wouldn't want to be in
his shoes when she caught up with him. They'd still be finding
bits of him when they got round to decommissioning the Enterprise.
And, if Data thought of himself as sentient wouldn't he stick
his oar in? (Not just sit there waiting for his superiors to decide
his fate.) Allie Brightwell of Great Britain but living in
Metro Manila, Philippines.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Recently Spotted Tag Lines On Bulletin Board Messages
Blonde Klingons: It was a good day to dye.
Odo? Got any more of that great oatmeal? Odo? Odo!?