Latest Groaners from the Guild
Along with nits, members of the Guild frequently send along a joke they've heard. Occasionally, a joke comes along that makes my eyeballs twitch. It is . . . a *groaner;* the type of joke that leaves the taste of asphalt in your mouth; the type of joke that makes you want to hack up fur balls; the kind of joke that sends you running for a sharp object to put yourself out of your misery before the insidious punch line has a chance to destroy any more of your synapses; the type of joke . . . well, you get the idea.
I resisted any collection of these joke for many months. I hesitated featuring them because groaners have a way of becoming addictive. Perhaps they are a bit of proof for the theory that all of us have a tendency towards masochistic behavior. (How else do you explain "Melrose Place" and day time talk shows?) Believe me when I say that I understand the danger that this list poses. I understand that we may end up with hordes of catatonic nitpickers, drooling onto their keyboards, staring helplessly as their brain cells fuse, committing suicide to escape the torture of these jokes. On the other hand . . . let's see . . . on the other hand . . . (I'm trying to come up with a reason that it's a good thing to start this list) . . . um . . .
Anyway, since I originally washed my brain out with soap after each encounter with a groaner, almost all of the ones previously submitted have suffered an instantaneous mercy killing. Unfortunately, I still remember two of them. (And--actually--the first one really isn't *that* much of a groaner but I needed more than one to start this list!)
If you'd like to submit a groaner for possible future inclusion, see the instructions and the bottom of this page.
And so, without further ado (RUN FOR YOUR LIVES BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!), I present Star Trek Groaners.
Question: Where do Star Trek fans go to lift weights?
Answer: The "He's dead, Gym"!
Question: How many ears does Picard have?
Answer: Three. A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.
Question: What did Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?
Answer: "Make it sew."
Question: What did the first officer answer when Picard asked "Why did you let Troi win at poker?"
Answer: "Because I Riker."
Question: What did the blonde Klingon say?
Answer: "It was a good day to dye."
Question: What is Thomas Riker's dating philosophy?
Answer: "If at first you don't succeed, try Troi again."
Question: What do you get if you cross a borg with a black magic marker?
Answer: A borg with a big black X on it.
(Submitted by Judy Cook.)
Question: What did Worf say when small ice asteroids began hitting the Enterprise hull?
Answer: "Captain, we are being hailed."
(Submitted by Todd Felton of Victoria, BC)
Question: What did Will Riker say when he discovered that he had a transporter duplicate?
Answer: "We're Number One! We're Number One!"
(Submitted by Theodore J. Miller)
Question: Why are Beverly Crusher, Worf, and Deanna Troi similar?
Answer: Because one's a Doc, one's a Worf, and one's a Marina.
(Submitted by Theodore J. Miller)
Question: What does Major Kira's emergency signal sound like?
Answer: NANA NANA NANA NANA.
(Submitted by Martin Jack of Brighton, England)
Question: Did you hear about the singing contest for young men at Starfleet Academy?
Answer: It's called the Kirk Tenor Prize.
(Submitted by Geoff Hooker of Wheaton, IL)
Question: How many of the Enterprise's senior officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: All of them. One to screw it in, and the rest to debate the moral implications.
(Submitted by Ted and Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)
Question: What did LaForge say when his girlfriend asked him what to wear on their date?
Answer: "I'm BLIND!"
(Submitted by Ted and Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)
Question: What did Lore use to kill Data's cat?
Answer:Spot remover.
(Submitted by Ted and Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)
Question: What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?
Answer: Worf Speed.
(Submitted by Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)
Question: Why couldn't Kira get permanent quarters on DS9?
Answer: Because everybody knew she was a Visitor.
(Submitted by Lynette Farrand of Fair Grove, MO)
Question: What did the senior staff of DS9 sing when Kira was packing to leave at the beginning of "The Circle"?
Answer: Nana, Nana . . . Nana, Nana . . . Hey, hey, hey, goodbye!
(Submitted by Lynette Farrand of Fair Grove, MO)
Question: What do you do if O'Brien refuses to fix your ship after you dock at DS9?
Answer: Colm Meaney. (For those of you who don't know "Colm" isn't pronounced "Kohlm." It's pronounced more like "column."
(Submitted by Lynette Farrand of Fair Grove, MO)
Question: What is Sisko's favorite breakfast?
Answer: Quarker Oates.
(Submitted by Andrew Melicor of Bloomfield Hills, MI)
Question: How would B'Elana Torres introduce her significant other?
Answer: I'd like you to meet my better third.
(Submitted by Andrew Melicor of Bloomfield Hills, MI)
Question: What do you get when Gul Dukat kills off his half-Bajoran, half-Cardassian daughter?
Answer: Bacardi on ice.
(Submitted by Michaela Schlocker of Stanford University)
Question: Did you hear that the crew of the Enterprise is getting married?
Answer: They have engaged the Borg.
(Submitted by Judy Cook)
Question: What do you get when you cross Lwaxana Troi with the bridge of a Starfleet vessel?
Answer: An empty bridge
(Submitted by David Tayman)
Question: Did you hear that Jonathan Frakes is starring in a remake of an old James Bond movie?
Answer: It's called Moonriker.
(Submitted by Owen Fralic)
Question: What did the Jamaican say to the Ferengi captain who was visiting Earth?
Answer: Have a nice Dai Mon.
(Submitted by Owen Fralic)
Question: What do you get when you throw the casing of an unborn chicken at Quark's nephew?
Answer: Egg Nog.
(Submitted by Owen Fralic)
Question: Why did Quark travel back in time to 15th century Spain?
Answer: He wanted to learn the Rules of Inquisition.
(Submitted by Kevin Loughlin)
"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Jeordi!"
"Jeordi who?"
"Didn't Jeordi ask me that?"
(Submitted by Steve Cormier)
Question: What would the communication officer of DS9 say to Captain Sisko when a person is going on and on on the fifth channel of communications?
Answer: Sir Babylon 5.
(Submitted by Joe Pintar)
Question: How many TOS landing party members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but the extra red-shirt will die in the attempt.
(Submitted by Lee Lorenz)
Question: How many Voyager crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: However many it takes, you can be sure a shuttlecraft will be destroyed during the attempt.
(Submitted by Lee Lorenz)
Question: What did Picard say when Worf told him "The shields are failing!"
Answer: "Give 'em more homework!"
Question: What did McCoy say when he say Ensign Pillsbury?
Answer: "He's BREAD Jim!"
(Submitted by Richard Steenbergen)
Question: What do you call a cross between a Ferengi and a Kryptonian?
Answer: Quark Kent.
(Submitted by Dan Case)
Question: On which street does the captain of the Voyager reside on earth?
Answer: On Jane Way
(Submitted by Mine Sharpe)
Question: What does everyone yell when someone falls of the edge of the
cube-shaped ocean liner?
Answer: "Man over-Borg!"
(Submitted by Murray Leeder)
Question: Why didn't the Enterprise come to a complete stop at the
interstellar mall?
Answer: The crew was shopping on impulse.
(Submitted by Brian Smith)
Question: Did you hear about the diminutive Betazoid that escaped from prison?
Answer: The headline read "Small Medium at Large."
(Submitted by Robert Beeler)
Question: Why does Odo contain wilted lettuce?
Answer: Because the Founders made him a salad.
(Submitted by Murray Leeder)
Question: Why aren't the synthesizers making Spock's uniform any longer?
Answer: They're long enough already.
Question: What did Kirk ask after Bones had been cloned?
Answer: "Which one of you is the real McCoy?"
(Submitted by Aaron Nadler)
Question: What do you call it when the psychotic Holodoc dodges your punches?
Answer: Darkling duck!
(Submitted by Brad Higgins)
Question: What do you call an android playing an acoustic guitar?
Answer: Folk-Lore!
Question: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: None, they're not afraid of the dark.
Question: What do they do to the lightbulb?
Answer: Execute it for failure.
Question: What do they do to the Klingon who changes the bulb?
Answer: Execute him for cowardice.
(Submitted by Ronan Mitchell)
If you would like to submit a new groaner drop me an e-mail at chief@nitcentral.com. Put "Groaner" in the subject line and include your name and address as it appears in my database so I can find you. Bear in mind that they won't make the list unless they make my intestine crawl up through my throat and attempt to strangle me. (Sort of like Vogon poetry for those Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fans out there.) If you would like me to put a credit line on the joke I will do so. Otherwise, you can remain anonymous to protect yourself from the hordes of zombie-nitpickers that will come looking for the culprit who destroyed their minds. One last item, the "no-sleaze" rule still applies.